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It's a confliting feeling, being lonely when alone and feeling empty when in the company of others.
The only exception is when I am with others that I want to have a relationship, but they treat me like little more than an object. When I am with them or think about them I don't feel lonely or empty - just sad, pathetic and obsessive. I get jealous and frustrated and can't stop thinking about how I ended up in this situation, after all it started rather promising and then at some point it just started going downwards. Everything got less romantic, less personal, less friendly, less intimate - until the point where he won't even look at me.
I know that the general advice would be to cut off contact, and find something else to do or someone else to spend time with. But it's the only thing that makes me feel something more.
I find training to be a very good distraction, it can give me clear goals and challenges and releases endorphins that feels good. But when I start to use training actively, I can't stop. I end up training every day, focusedly for at least 2 hours and passively while doing other things such as strength training while watching online lectures and stretching + mobility while doing homework.
Being active isn't necessarily the problem, but if I go even 1 day without both the focused and the passive training, I get thrown off. I feel the emptiness again, that nothing really matters and everything is pointless.
The thoughts of getting high, drinking way too much and doing stupid shit I will regret later on, gets very seductive and it's hard to get back to a mental place where I can be productive with anything at all.
It's difficult to stay away from the temptations, and if I do I will still be confined alone in my bedroom for an extended period of time before I am able to do anything other than staying in bed watching series or listening to music.
I have tried to hang out with other people, nice people, and to create a bond. It usually starts off with some anxiety and then there is 2 paths for how it will develop, either the anxiety will only grow and I will create a toxic relation to these generally nice people or I will get more comfortable and realise that I don't give a shit about other people and because they don't spark any intense emotions in me I don't have any interest in getting to know them anymore.
So my conclusion is that I am very self destructive, especially in regards to other people, because I know that if I successfully obtain anything healthy I will feel empty, bored and unmotivated.
Life isn't something I live to enjoy, it's a reality where I have become addicted to the adrenaline and dopamine brought forth by negative decisions.
I have tried to be better, and will be starting therapy soon. But honestly I don't think it will work long-term. How can you make someone genuinely give a shit about others, and teach them to be happy in a stable environment?
I am already too damaged.
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Hey,
First of all, I'll love to tell you that you are not damaged,
Secondly, almost everyone has that empty feeling within theirselves, for me I got a friend that I talk to about what's bothering me and when I can't tell him, I write it down on a doc. I created on my phone. You just gat let yourself feel more valued cause you are valued.
You sound like a cool person to be around,
Remember you are not dangerous.
ReplyI don’t have the answer, the solution. But I feel this.
Reply