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I am feeling a lot of emotions lately. Emotions that I find confusing that I cannot even speak about it. I don’t even know when to start because I can’t diagnose my feelings.
I can only identitfy two things: anger and frustration. Anger at myself for how I react to the things being said to me. Anger for not being able to not give a shit about what people say. Anger and disappointed at myself for not being able to put a leash on my own emotions and always end up being passive aggressive, instead of asserting my needs and wants like a healthy adult.
Frustrated because no amount of self-love, exercising and spending hours and hours of reading self- help books can seem to improve my way of communicating my emotions.
I try so hard but whenever I hear critisms from the people I love (my parents) I get so defensive. When I’m at work I’m fine with criticisms because I take it as a contructive feedback. However, when I am at home, it’s just pure anger and hurt. Whatever I do, whether I am cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry or staying in my room I get ambushed by all the things I am doing wrong. I want to be a kind person and understand that while my parents are older, wiser and have more life experience, THIS IS THEIR FIRST LIFE TOO. However, I want them to understand that this is my first life too, and the “error” I make int he house is not lufe threatening and easily amendable. I can’t be a perfect mould. It’s just not possible because I am human and not a robot. Actually, even robotic programs can malfunction.
Tonight, I got criticised for standing in front of the open fridge for “too long” as I was sorting my meal prep for tomorrow’s work lunch. I got irate of course and got passive aggressive. I don’t feel proud for reacting and saying “There is always something wrong with what I am doing. Do you have a problem with me?”. I did not raise my voice but it does not make it any better. I still failed as an assertive communicator.
Before any of you tell me to move out. I can but I won’t, not right now anyway. My family’s financial situation is not the best right now. My Mom is on a part-time role, Dad is unemployed and it is only me and my sister that are full time. Yes they are adults, so am I and whether I like it or not, we need each other to keep a roof on top of our heads and food on the table.
What I want to happen is to be in a position where I can freely express my emotions without the pssive aggressiveness and feel the need to attack the person who I am irritated at. I know I can do better rhan that. I cannot control what my parents say but I sure as hell can control my response. However, I feel angry that I get so triggered when they ambush me with criticisims. I already understand that whatever I do is not good enough for them. I get that, but it doesn’t mean I have to believe it. It also should not mean that I should mirror their methods of breaking a person down.
I want to be a better person. Not because I think I am a better human being than my parents but because I want to be better for 1) Myself 2) For the people I love 3) For the life I am bulding 4) For the family I hope to have with my future partner in the future.
I want a peaceful home in the future and I cannot have that until I can be totally honest and assert my feelings. Otherwise I will just swallowing my emotions until I blow up into a volcanic eruption of passive aggressiveness.
However, I am scared of being assertive too. Scared that I will be judged for my feelings. Scared that I will no longer be loved.
I am a hypocrite because I tell our patients at work that they shouldn’t feel bad nor apologise for their feelings. I hate that I can be someone elses guidance and support but I cannot show up for myself.
Obviously there is still so much for me to learn. I want to be direct and assertive, which I promise to myself from now on to do it bit by bit until there is no more guilt for doing so. I cannot be responsible for what or how people react or feel to what I say or feel. I can’t do it anymore. Life is too short for me to dim my own light. Even the sun doesn’t give a fuck who gets blinded by it’s light.
Good luck to me and to you too reader if you relate to this.
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