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I started cutting again. I'll say it bluntly and without euphemism or flowery language because its the truth. I regretted it. Right away. I panicked. What if someone finds out. What if I can't stop? But I know that I can. Because I have before. Self harm was a coping mechanism that doesn't work for me any more. It was something that my childhood self came up with as a distraction from the emotions I couldn't grapple with. As an adult, I still have trouble processing and dealing with those emotions. But I know I am capable of finding better tools to help myself do that. I now know that only I can do the work and the research and the reflection that I need to treat myself with love and grace and tenderness when my mind feels like a storm. I have also lived through enough of these moments that I know the storm always passes. No matter how long it goes on. No matter how destructive it is. No matter how alone you feel. It passes. And there is always cleaning up to do after. And you will always remember what it felt like to be in the middle of it. But if you don't dust yourself off and rebuild your foundation, the next storm will find you lying in a pit and you'll feel like you're drowning.
I am what I need. I am not all that I need. But the first person that needs to be there to support me is me. The first person I should look to lean on for comfort and for patience and for forgiveness is myself. I am not hard to love. I am not difficult. But before I can expect someone else to love me with a strong tenderness, I need to love myself in that way.
What I did was an instinct that I'll lose when I find other ways to sit with or work through my strong feelings. Feelings of guilt and shame and frustration and incompetence. They all pass and I am still the same wonderful person with those feelings.
Its a habit. A habit that my environment had not called for in a while. I have to reckon with the fact that it is something within me that I am capable of doing. And hard feelings for me come in waves that overwhelm me. And I have to be prepared. I need to prepare my emergency kit. My tool kit for when the Feelings Storm starts brewing. I don't even know what I need yet but I am determined to find out. And when I do I will have myself to thank.
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I'm so sorry you're going through such deep emotions. I do however notice how self aware you are of it, that's incredible because you're already one step ahead of it. You're strong. You're going to be okay, no matter the circumstances. I would really love to encourage you to do more things you have interest in. Mine is woodworking, I haven't done it a ton but it keeps my mind at peace in times of darkness.
ReplyI have been there just like you I used to cut myself and then I found a new way of coping with my emotions. I like to learn new things so I always tend to find new things to learn it keeps me busy and helps me calm down and think more rationally. I hope you find your way soon stay strong until then.
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