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I've been feeling more and more scared of dying. You know, there's a quote from 2Pac that really stuck with me for a long time, that says "now I'm in the zone thinking I don't wanna die all alone." I've always felt like that was an indirect on calling loners like me complete and utter lies who will never succeed in life, and also a moment of reflection on the song. Keep in mind by the time 2Pac was alive the internet wasn't really a thing, so there were less connections. So yeah, dying scares the frick a' frack out of me. Can we talk about facts for a moment? We are all dying. One day, it's going to become hard to sustain humanity, and the human race as we know is going to get extinct. You could say life is always stopping at the same rate it's arising, yeah, that may be true. What about earth? The oceans will dry? Our planet will spin around the sun until the dance is over and it's going to get consumed by the forces of gravity? My head, that tiny organ I use to understand things, is not near as powerful as I think, because I get caught up on the smallest problems sometimes, so I will never really understand existence. Existence, what is it? Does knowing something's there matter? Does the knowledge of knowledge matter? Also I've been feeling like a lame, like I talk about all these profound things, and give them meaning, but at the end of the day it's just a lame juxtaposition of words that don't have real value. And no one really appreciates me. Also I've been feeling belittled by people who doubt me; people who think I'm not all the things I claim to be. People say you can't love everyone unconditionally, but I think you could. Rather that you could take everyone into consideration, love is a strong word. Yeah, been feeling belittled by this so called doubters. I often realize one thing and it's that people are always so damn cool about themselves, like who do they think they are to judge other people like that. People who often blame an ignorant person for not knowing fall on the same category. So far, life has been a come and go ordeal; sometimes this, sometimes that. Has there ever been a realer word than "sometimes"? Because of all it implies, and how true it is. So yeah, if you need a summarization, I've been feeling like death makes life worthless, like I wake up in a world we live to realize how unlucky we might be for becoming alive, like at some point pray for death because rather bad things happen that you wish you never became alive, and it only feels like a small portion of the entirety of everything, but what a crushing and meaningless small version of reality we are living... that wasn't a summarization, that was just me rambling more. And how do I reflect on people who are dying all the time? People who lived twice, thrice as much as me; nothing, I just acknowledge they lived, and practically can't really shed a tear for them. It's sad, please when my time comes make it make sense. At least tell me there's no more struggle, because existence can feel like an endless loop where if you caught it bad you would probably wish for death sooner than later. By the way, the song deja vu by Olivia Rodrigo gives me that vibe where the world would eventually someday cease to have life in it, and we would all be dead, that's the vibe it gives me on the first seconds of the song, a complete and utter feeling of desolation, after all we've been through, that no one is alive anymore, it almost breaks me to tears every time, it's so sad and it feels like desolate nothing after a lifetime of pain and suffering; I know it's a love song, but songs sometimes have a deeper meaning than they often appear, and I believe everyone should be able to give songs their own meaning.
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