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I'll be very straightforward here and say outright that I will be talking about self harm and suicide here. If those topics makes you uncomfortable I suggest you don't read the rest. I really can't do it anymore. I can feel myself slipping back slowly into the place I was a few years ago and I can't stop it. It was so bad. I didn't leave my bed if I didn't have to, I could barely take care of myself, I couldn't sleep, I ate food as a distraction but it didn't really help, my thoughts were constantly filled with self doubt and suicide. And judge me for however much you want to for it but I self harmed almost every day. I told myself it would be once just to see if it worked like people said it did. But that's the thing about it. Once you do it once it goes past that. It helped distract me from everything swirling in my head. Even if only for two minutes the pain helped. Once my parents found out about how I felt snooping through my stuff I lied and started trying to act better. But its ridiculous. They couldn't tell just how bad I had gotten through my actions. They only knew because they looked through my phone. The signs were so obviously there. Did they just not care or not notice? I don't know which one is worse. I think I tricked myself for a little while trying to act better. Things did get better though. I finally have friends who aren't fake now. I have support more than I ever did before. That's what makes it all worse. So many little events have been piling up that is just making me spiral again. And little thing sets me off and makes me think I should just kill myself. I mean who really cares anyways right. Every time I get overwhelmed I just think of relapsing even though that's the last thing I want to do. I've been trying so hard to get to a year but that really doesn't seem possible with how many times I think about just saying fuck it and breaking my streak. I've been so close to just doing it. And it makes me feel terrible knowing I finally have people in my life who would support me no matter what and wouldn't judge me and yet I still feel this way. I hate everything about myself and I can't help it. I don't want to burden anyone though. I mean I guess I am right now but oh well. I don't know how much longer I can hold on like this. At this rate I'm going to fully slip back to where I was before and probably worse than that. I hate myself for it but can't stop it no matter how hard I try. Anyways that's my whole little rant. If you read through this whole thing thanks and hope you have a good rest of your day.
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