Between the sword and the wall

I'm in a weird position where I need to let the waves ride themselves. If I keep controlling it, it's going to be too late. One day I'm going to regret not just living. I felt before that my heart would pinch suddenly and all of a sudden I felt regretful and begged to stay one more day. Imagine if your body stops working and you were in the midst of sorting your worries, wouldn't that make you come to your senses, like you were worrying for almost nothing, for small things. Thing is living by the process is not enough, and you get tired really quick. Life should be lived whichever way and whenever we want, always living and let living. The problem is that everything falls short or comes second to the unbearable reality that this unstoppable force that is nature and life will continue to go despite every one of our efforts. I'm learning to be more grateful when I see people that probably have it worse than me. I've made a list of things I'm grateful for, and yes, that sounds kinda pussy to put it mildly but I'm not a perfect human being by any means, and I feel like I need some way or outlet to let me feel reassured and validated, just like writing something, saying it out loud in the hopes that it will become true. And what I realize right away after that, after I made my list, is that, unless my head can't handle or process every thing to a full extent, we live in a fairly small world with counted things, like this is not the full spectrum or grand scheme of things at all. What a world, if I do say so myself. Things take time, and a long time. I like feeling creative and that's why I made a list of things I'm grateful for in a Sticky Note on Windows 10, and also make this post. I have honestly been all over the place, I feel like a monster, I feel like I was an hypocrite, etc. It's impossible to not worry completely, you gotta worry somewhat, because that's how we survive. There's no such thing as a person who is full of worry and lives life care free. So there's times where I still feel like I'm about to lose control of myself, times where I feel like I'm trying to instantaneously heal after one of my triggers struck me, etc. Healing is difficult and leaves you scarred too. I'm trying to think about my future, but I think it's very obvious that there are two kinds of people, the ones who since day one got everything they needed and rarely lost it afterwards, and the ones who never got what they deserved but they probably got it after. Obviously, I'm not that kind of an achiever in any way, shape or form. Currently, I'm being maintained and what sparked me was my mom saying "I don't know what's gonna happen to you if you don't work some day... you gotta do something." Luckily, I have my brothers. But I would like to do something like be a content creator, but what if I don't succeed on time, what if I don't earn a penny? And so I ask many questions throughout my whole life, about anything and everything, like for example the other day I was curious about the earth's formation, and so I saw a video from National Geographic that other user has uploaded. I believe in my dreams for the sole purpose that we exist, because if we exist, then anything is possible. What was I saying? Yeah, I made this post because I wanted to talk about riding the waves and let them be. Somehow, I doubt I'm ever going to be one hundred percent free of worry and care free. But honestly of all honesty, who cares? Ultimate truth about life is that it goes on, and it doesn't really matter what you do, but something did materialize you see, probably nothingness never thought it could be something, and so it's only a matter of realization to realize that dreams do come true, otherwise we wouldn't have anything. My best advice is to, at the end of the day, do whatever you want, whenever you want, as long as you aren't harming anybody, and just continue to be part of this symphony and worry the right amount but not so much that it begins to interfere with your life.