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Hello, I need help. I feel as if I'm in a life crisis. A pressure is strangling the life out of me. To keep the story short, I am a 24 year autistic man. I graduated from college with a Bachelors of Science a year ago. Since graduating and moving out, I have found no friends and I have never had a girlfriend. It had dawned on me how much of a loser I am when I was in Europe this past December. I had the time of my life, never had a felt more alive, it was the first time I paid for my own solo international vacation. Yet, the only constant was that I was alone. People at the office I work at were always perplexed when I said I was going by myself. They would ask, "are you going with anyone?" And I would say "no, it's just me!". So, that one component of my crisis. But my future presents an even more daunting challenge. If I want to be licensed, I would have to earn a Masters degree. I do want to be licensed, but I want also the honor that comes with holding a Masters degree. My life's wish is to make my family proud. The only trouble is, I can't afford to get into a masters program. Even if I could, hypothetically, I don't know how I would sustain myself, working part time while being enrolled full time in a Masters program. What I don't want to do is regress back to living with my parents and working on the weekends part time at the grocery store like I did when I was in the undergraduate program. Frankly, I often ask myself if I have made all the wrong choices. I sacrificed my social life for my studies and to earn my bachelor's of science. I want honor, as a matter of fact, I want to be the best in my field. Remember when I said my hope is to make my family proud, well that is what motivates me to be the best. But instead, I'm just a friendless loser who let school rule his life. If I could break free and escape to a paradise, away from all of the aforementioned woes of mine, I would happily do so without hesitation! But if you were in my position, what would you do? Please help, this pressure is almost debilitating.
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I think what's really missing is your social life. You're running from the pain of having no friends by overcompensating at school, so that maybe if you achieve something there you'll be worth something. I did this too. No matter how much you do or how great your life is, if you're lonely it'll always feel like 'something' is missing.
ReplyI think you've done enough studying (for the time being, and maybe for longer than that). Put your family on the backburner and start living YOUR life. You need to be more concerned with what's happening in YOUR life as opposed to some abstract notion of honour. Would your family want you to be ill and unhappy just so they can tell their friends about your achievements?
ReplyWell, you certainly have a lot going on there.
I'm a bit older and have a daughter who is, while wrapping up high school, also taking college courses. She's currently on track to receive her high school diploma and her associates degree around the same time. She's pushing herself....hard....and sometimes it catches up to her. It's a lot of work for someone her age or, really, anyone at any age, I suppose. Her grades are still great but she's come close to burnout a few times. I've explained her that, if necessary, she needs to unplug and take a break. It's nice to have a day of doing nothing at all when you're feeling overwhelmed. I mention this because she seems to spend a good bit of her off time, like weekends, doing homework and wrapping up projects. I've also explained, though, that when she finishes, she'll likely be glad because she'll be so far ahead of so many others her age. But, I'm leaving that up to her. It would be nice for her, I know, but I don't want her to break down, mentally, before she reaches the finish line either. If she plows through this, I think she'll be proud of herself. I'll be proud of her either way.
You may be in a similar boat. Pushing forward will be a daunting challenge but you expect to get much in return if you do. There's also the prospect of making the family proud but, if I had to guess, they likely already are. Should that be the case, I wouldn't push forward for their sake, I recommend you do it for you....if you really want to hit that mark.
For many, it's easier to "get it all done" in one swoop, but it is entirely possible to take a break from it all and return for schooling at a later date. I say that because you should know that, even if it's something you'd like to finish, don't give up on life because you think you may have to finish this goal later down the road.
With regard to the girlfriend situation, I can also speak to this one as well as I was a "late bloomer". For so many years, in my childhood, we were very poor and, for this reason, I had a very low self esteem. I hung out with the "cool kids" in school but had convinced myself they thought less of me though, looking back, they always treated me as an equal. It was just the self doubt taking control. For this reason, I never attempted to approach a girl for dates and things because I had convinced myself I would get rejected and it would be like running into a brick wall. When I started college in a far away town, I was excited because I had some money under my belt by this point in time and I knew that none of these people would have known about my "poor" past. It was like I got to hit the "reset" switch and start over. Still, I found myself filled with self doubt. I suppose, coming into the game late, I was just too nervous about it all and wasn't really sure how to even approach a girl. The internet was alive and well at the time but still too young to find helpful information on topics like those. Finally, one day, a girl actually approached me. We had known each other and she called me over to talk in private but I had no clue what to expect. When she confessed she had feelings for me, I could feel the fireworks inside. We dated a short while but went separate ways for mutual reasons (not a bad breakup). But, after that, I felt powerful. I finally had the courage to speak to girls. You could ask 100 guys for advice and you'd likely receive 100 different answers so take this with a grain of salt but, if I were to provide guidance, I would say this...
If you see someone you like, just begin with general conversation. If you two share classes together, work together, etc. this is much easier. Approach her as if you'd like to be friends. Play the slow game. Get to know her...some, and then ask her out. You don't have to confess feelings, tell her you'd like her to be your girlfriend, or anything like that. Just tell her you enjoy spending time with her and you'd like to take her to dinner so you can get to know her better. To help her take a chance, tell her that if it doesn't pan out, at least she got a free meal and another chance to hang out with a friend. It'll be ok to discuss your interests, but don't go down the rabbit hole by sharing every single detail of something you're interested in if she's not familiar with the subject. She'd probably think it's cool that you have a collection of Star Wars action figures, for example, but she may not need to know, right out the gate, that you have seven variations of Skywalker and what makes them different from each other. Yikes. I can say this because I do, in fact, have a Star Wars collection. Ha.
And finally, for that friends situation you're dealing with...
I have two friends that have been with me for over twenty years now. One of them, actually, has been around for thirty or so years. None of us live close to one another but we stay in touch. They are my two best friends and we visit each other as often as possible. I love them dearly and it's nice to know because, not matter what chapter I'm in of my life, I can call them to talk about "thing", blow some steam, or just catch up. I say chapter because I think of my life has having happened in chapters. And, in each of those, I had different friends. I had friends from high school, different friends when I was in college, friends from job A, different friends from job B, etc. They come and go as we all move on with our lives, but my two best friends will always be around. Between chapters, I find myself without "everyday" friends, I suppose, and find that I have a lot of alone time. It's not common so I try to enjoy those moments too! I'm sure, currently, you must be surrounded by folks all the time. Try advertising your interests and see who approaches you on the subject. By advertising, I mean display something related to your interests. You could get a back pack with an image of your favorite band, plaster the back of your laptop with stickers from your favorite vendors, etc. I have, on the back of my laptop, a sticker for a company that makes equipment for reef aquariums. In the field, on business trips, I've actually had people approach me about that - "Oh, I've been wanting to try their stuff, is it any good?" or "Man, I've gone one of those controllers too. It's nice, right? How big is your tank?". Friends, generally speaking, have common interests. If you put out some bait, you might catch some fish...er, I mean friends.
Also, do you have any older friends from your past? You may not have spoken in a long time but try reaching out. See if you can schedule a time to have a phone chat so you two can catch up. Play the "remember when?" game where you discuss some cool and/or funny things that happened a long time ago. Bring each other up to speed on what's been happening in the last long while and see if you can schedule a time to meet up for a visit sometime.
I had a friend in high school that moved away before graduation. We would snail mail letters to one another (yep, not much emailing going on in those days) often. But one day he moved and the letters stopped coming. I lost touch with this guy for many, many, many years. I was finally able to track him down and we got on the phone one afternoon for about an hour. On the following year, he came to my house where he stayed for a full week! It was awesome. We had a great time catching up, playing games, etc. We had so many stories to share. And now, he's part of my rotation. We speak regularly and I love that.
To me, all of this sounds like you just need to find a way to schedule a much needed break. Take some time for yourself to relax. Try reaching out to some of your old friends to see if they'd like to reconnect and stay in touch. Start advertising your interest for others to see and maybe you'll find friends in this chapter of your life. If it doesn't happen, it's not the end as you'll likely just wind up making many cool friends in your next chapter. Start speaking to girls in a friendly manner and, when she warms up to you, offer to take her to dinner. See how things go and take it from there. If she rejects the offer, it'll hurt...possibly a lot, but you can try again with someone else. We all like something different so if a girl rejects you, it's likely that you don't have, or look like, what she's looking for. Some like athletic, some like dad bods, some like geeky funny guys, some like bad guys, etc. You just may not check off enough of her boxes but it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. You very likely check most, if not all, of the boxes for some other girl. It'll just take some time to find her.
No matter what happens, we'll all be wishing you the best. One day, this will all be behind you and you'll look back on it and laugh about it all.
Good Luck!
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