breakup

after my last ex, I feel like a horrible person. I used to make jokes like "I cheated on you" or I was at someones house and I really don't know why I did, I just wanted the drama. I didn't like who I was then and I'm scared to love again because I hurt someone so much to the point where he didn't care anymore. I used to lie to him, lash out at him and laugh at him and make arguments out of nothing. there was one time where i thought i liked his friend and i told him and he went home and threw up and back then, I didn't care. I understand why he didn't want anything to do with me. I wouldn't want to be with me either. I had a lot of trauma from my past exes doing everything i did to him. i was controlling, mean, always starting drama, but i never cheated and i stayed loyal and stayed with him even though i wanted to leave so many times because it just faded. im happy hes found someone else and shes sweet to him and she hasn't had a boyfriend or any guy around her so im sure they'll stay together. but seeing how i was then, a sweet girl to a total bitch, someone i would hate, i'm scared to date again. i know the past doesn't reflect me now because im changing and doing better, but i cant describe how much of a bitch i was and how much i hated myself and how i made him hate me. i get why he didn't want a friendship w me because he only saw the negatives, i was so negative all the time and so harsh, i was like all my exes in one person. i love myself now but i cant let go of who i was then, im scared to love. i feel so bad that i acted that way towards him, he did nothing but love me and protect me and show me everything i didn't deserve then. I regret it. its almost like when you lose someone, you realise, how important they really were to you. i know we didn't mesh at times but i don't want to be like that again. i wish i never dated or loved and even tho its made me stronger and made me realise i needed to change and better myself and truly love myself before anyone else, i still regret it all. i was so toxic. i wish i could say sorry to everyone i've hurt because i am sorry...im sorry to all my exes, im sorry to my friends, im sorry to myself...i js wanna cry...