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...thinking maybe just maybe, you'll see it, know it's me, and reply in some way or another.
I've pretty much gone through all of the stages of grief over this relationship on this website. It's almost ridiculous how often I'm on here scrolling through one post after another just hoping to find something that is obviously yours. I never have luck or just end up hurting my feelings.
I miss you.
I miss you so much that I feel like there is a hole in my chest and all of me is slowly leaking out.
Thank god I've finally got my psych meds back, it was getting harder and harder there for a while.
Not that it's getting any easier now, I just can finally breathe and am not desperate to break the promise I made you, anymore.
Every night when I get to work, I stare at my phone willing your name to come flashing across it. I miss spending hours on the phone with you. Talking about everything and nothing. And then you just ended it with a single text. You told me it is in your best interest to not have me in your life anymore and all of a sudden we stopped talking, just like that.
I've done my best to respect that, but it sucks that we have to work together. Each day I will you to quit. I will you to not be able to do the job any longer. I will you to walk away so I can come back and feel comfortable.
Every time I have to see you or talk to you, I immediately submit, I'm not sure if you've noticed when you have seen me. I don't like the way it makes me feel. I'm sure you understand that considering the confidence that I've always fought to walk with, the confidence that you encouraged whenever you had the chance.
I don't like that you are in my family's office and I feel small when I go there. I don't know if you've noticed how I avoid it like the plague. I mean for fucks sake, I have sat in the car and waited because you were there, multiple times, just to avoid how it makes me feel to see you. It'd be okay if I saw you and just felt wrath and hatred, but instead, I feel longing and desire, I have to fight myself each time I see you, to keep from running across the room and wrapping you in my arms.
But here I am, still wishing I had you, wishing you and I were still you and I, wishing I could be on the phone with you, wishing I could hear about every part of your day, wishing I could help you resolve the things that are coming at you, wishing you were telling me about everything that's happening with that baby growing inside of you.
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
Do you know what I miss the most?
I'm sure you do.
It's that stupid smell that I got to inhale every time we wrapped each other up in our arms and I tucked my face into your neck.
God dammit, I miss that smell.
love, Viv.
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