how do i stop messing up?any advise? i am gonna vent (only continue if you are up for long ass paras)

I am a 20-year-old girl currently in college; my MBTI is INFP, if that is even relevant. Here are some of my traits: People pleaser,have been struggling to get rid of my really toxic ways of coping, such as avoidance and internalization of anger, frustration, sadness, and conflicting opinions leading to resentment, which I want or not manifests and then follows shame, guilt, and self-hatred, and i always think that I am in the wrong and never questioning the person who is involved. (in the case of people I am close with) now because apparently I think that I am comfortable being the victim, which probably I am. But another person is seeing me from their point of view, and in some cases, they can be wrong too. I just completely go, Oh, they are my friends; they want the best for me, so I will trust them. And yes, my friends are really, understanding, supportive and nice; they don't want any harm to me, but at the same time, they have their own biases and experiences, so they can be wrong too in situations. But in my mind, I am too unworthy to be in the right.

I struggle with where to draw a line; I just go to extremes; it's either resentment, full detachment, or full submission. i go numb and physically cant put my grievience I just don't know where to start in this process of getting into healthy habits.

As you can see, I struggle with extreme self-esteem issues, to the point where I almost never express my anger until pushed to a limit. If someone I love is telling me I am in the wrong, I will accept it without much thought, and I hate it.

And yes, I have this sense of hyperindependence where I always feel like I am burdening other people with my problems, and they have their own problems already. If I am struggling mentally, I would rather dissociate mentally and socially from my close ones and end up being distant from them, which leads to them feeling hurt and that I am ungrateful.

I am just so lost in my head that no matter how hard I try to not get lost, that's what ends up happening. I have had a really amazing boyfriend since 3 years ( long-distance relationship, have met like 7–8 times, and we talk daily, and yeah, we have our moments, but we work it out). He really cares for me and has helped me out with stuff. He knows me best, but the fact I am struggling with is balancing my social college life and personal life with him. I spend 8 hours in college studying, spending some time with friends, and in the evening I talk to him on video calls almost daily. Now it works smoothly. At times, I spend some more time with my college friends, sometimes more with him, but many times it happens that I end up spending most time with my college friends. Now to make up for it, I obviously started spending more time with my boyfriend for some time, and he was struggling with some health issues at that time, so I was there for him more, and I ended up ditching my friends for some time (p.s. my college and school friends are diff). Well yeah, of course they felt hurt, and this close friend of mine confronted me on this after a month on how I have a life to live in college that I always wanted with my friends, and I am throwing it away as it won't come again, and my boyfriend will stay with me for a lifetime, but this college will pass. So I should be spending time with him, but not at the cost of my college life, for which I fought so much. And yeah, I agree, she is right. It hurt, but she was right. But at that moment, I really felt guilty for not giving time to my friends but my boyfriend was suffering , so I was there for him. Now, I try my best to balance time with college friends and my boyfriend, but somewhere in my mind this thought about the friend who confronted me comes to mind. (p.s. She is a great friend and we are close, after my boyfriend, she knows me best. We are in the same class, and she has a boyfriend too who is in the same year, course, and obviously class with us.)

so like their schedule is almost the same throughout the day and they get to spend almost the whole day together. Now this thought comes to mind, like it's not her but me who has to balance both different aspects. my boyfriend has his own life completely away and different from mine so compromises are not on same page all the time, so sometimes i loose balance too i am not saying what i did was right but she could have taken a more understanding approach i mean she was hurt that i was totally distant so it was reflecting like this but yeah now i feel so guilty for having this thought because its not like she doesnt understand long distance relationship, she had a toxic long distance ex for 5 years, she does.

this thought tho it makes me feel so guilty......her words i didnt take them well, they haunt me whenever there comes a situation where i have to decide with whom i should spend my time "you are throwing away the friends you always wanted","you are being ungrateful","we used to judge the girls who ditched their friends for their bf now you dont realize but you are becoming one of them". Now please don't think bad of her. I really was spending all of my time with my boyfriend in that month for reasons I mentioned, so she was in the right to say all of this, but a small selfish part of me wanted her to know the impact of her words.

Now shit went downhill when I was in 3rd grade (8 years old), and for some reason my friends just stopped talking to me, and I became a loner who is quiet and anxious. Earlier, I was bubbly and was performing really well academically, which too went downhill. Unhelpful-intimidating teachers didn't help a bit, and I was just surviving somehow. My marks went downhill as I couldn't figure out how this new system worked and had no friend to ask for help. I made shallow friends who used to keep me with them for the sake of it and used to abandon and mock me whenever they wanted. This went on for 2 years.

Now,  in the beginning of 5th grade, I fell really sick and was bedridden for a whole month. My immunity for cold went downhill, so it was like almost full summers, but I was wearing a sweater and a scarf standing out. Everyone asked me why I was missing school and wearing layers in the summer, and I had to explain. Now that we have started silent bullying, people are avoiding me visibly, as if I am diseased, as if I will spread whatever plagues me. They started bitching about me while I sat behind them as if I didn't exist. If someone sat with me, they wouldn't try to hide how much they hated sitting with a looser like me, mocking me with their friends. from me having to eat lunch alone when everyone is sitting in groups to me going from place to place asking for notes but no one giving even when the teacher asked so. My work was extremely pending, and in each class, teachers insulting me was a daily thing, and yeah, I was made to stand for hours because I was wearing clothes that weren't part of my uniform. My class teacher wrote a full-page note in my diary about it, even though I told them I was sick and thats why I was wearing layers, and the school's provided uniform was not enough. p.s. I was still taking leaves as I hadn't fully recovered. This stopped when one day the principal finally called my father to school, where my father made her understand why I needed those layers, hence I was allowed at the end. Even teachers were part of the bullying. When I would go to the washroom, they would ask students, "Why am I wearing layers in summer?" to which they would reply, "We dont know she just wears" (someone told me this later on). A teacher even said, "Buy a permanent room in the hospital if you are so sick, why attend school?" Everyone laughed. She said this because my work was incomplete.

I used to go and return home in a private taxi, and it was all boy taxis, so I used to sit on the window side always, and boys resented me for it, and they refused to sit beside me, saying, "What if I catch whatever she got?".

All this was happening on a daily basis for 2 years.

Now I hated going to school; I feared it. So I used to fake being sick, and at adverse moments, I even took meds to make myself sick. I would cry all day. I wanted to die daily and would literally bang my head on the wall while sobbing.

My family was going through a tough time back then. My mother had depression, so there were daily fights and neglects. She got better later, and after two years, I finally made friends. true friends. Bullying still happened, but it was bearable now because I finally had friends.

well my family is idealist and perfectionist; they are lovely, but yeah, their flaws. Now I was taught to not talk back no matter what adults are saying, no matter how hurtful it is, because I was the worst child ever. Typical Indian family, you know?

They have said shit like "you were better unborn" and "wherever you will go, you will destroy" and "you are just all talk, neither good at studies or home chores, nor do you have looks; what right do you have to talk?" You are worthless and what not. they have given me so much love too tho so its bittersweet i love them

Now I am average-looking, I have a petite build, and I live in India, so thats a sin. I have never met a single person who hasn't commented on how I am so thin and I should eat more, and that was the first thing they said to me.

So now, no matter what sh*t you say, I have already thought the worst about myself, and I can't even deny that because I myself feel ugly. Most compliments I get are backhanded, so I hate them. No matter how bad the fight gets, I can hear the hurtful words but cannot put my points or say hurtful stuff back (exceptions are there, of course), but this is how it is generally.

Now sigh, I wont prolong this any further. Just tell me where to draw lines if you can, and what do I do with my friend's situation?

You can ask further questions.