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I've posted here a few times. Often thoose times have been right in the middle of a panic or anxiety attack, so i thought, this time, let's try to write before any attack. Cus maybe, just maybe, this will prevent any attack from forming.
First of, i'm from sweden, so my english might not always be the best, but if anyone reads this, please bare with me.
I'm a 29 year old woman, well woman..i hate that word. Accordinf to my brain i'm kind of still 17-22 so i'd rather just call myself girl, woman sounds way more mature than what i actually am.
Why am i here again?
I don't know. I guess i'm feeling lonley. That's not normally what i used to rant about here, but this time i really just need to be seen, or head or whatever you wanna call it.
I stopped smoking hasch a few days ago. And normally it doesn't effect me going cold turkey, but this time it's in the middle of a job fued, and inner thoughts about a guy. This time, i'm being all stressed and i actually fell symptoms after quitting my addiction.
No i don't have family or friends to talk to about it. My mom choose her pedophile bf over me last year. Around this exact time. The same exact time i held my cancerfilled bio-dads hand while he drew his last breath.
I then ghosted the few people i had left, cus i couldn't deal with the shame of my mother and her boyfriend, and also couldn't deal with my own emotions so i upped all addictions. From only hasch to everything i could get my hands on, just as long as it kept me from feeling.
People also blamed me, becasue moms bf never tried to touch me when i was younger, which according to them means i protected him.
I don't know the brainfarts people had, i would've understood the blame if he ever actually did something to me and i kept quiet, nut having people angry at me for not being abused by him. For being just as shocked and clueless like everyone else? I hate people.
I still haven't been able to deal with it all, therapy isn't really working.
It's not like i can call my therapist 23:05 and be like, "hey, i'm starting to feel like i want to take every medicic i have at home so i don't have to be sober, wanna go to mc'donalds?" Doesn't really work like that.
And i miss him. The one person i'm not supposed to or are allowed to miss.
The sneaky-link.
The sneaky-link i thought was a situationship. I blocked him maybe 2-3 months ago now. First off, i'm just gonna write his name cus no one knows who he is anyway, Robin wrote to me 3 weekends in a row wanting to meet, i said "yes, come over" and he replied "nice, i'll be there soon" and then he never showed up, he never even texted that the plans had changed or anything, and like the stupid mf i am, i just sat at home waiting for him, watching the clock and getting stressed over when he would show up cus i needed to take my dog for a walk.
He did this 3 weekends in a row. Told me he was on his way then never heard from him. So i blocked him. I turn 30 in september, he turned 30 a few months ago, i'm not gonna argue and tell someone to respect my time and message me if plans have changed. A grown man should understand how to communicate changes. He tried to call me a few times after i blocked him.
During the time i meet robin, a whole ass of alot happened in my life, not goo things, and i knew quiet soon o started to have feelings for him. And remembering his words "we are only friends who "help" eachother" i did everything in my power, to shake my feelings for him of.
I couldn't be open to him, cus honestly we were never friends, i've "known" him my entire life, but we have never been friends. Actually he was kind of one of my bullies when i was younger.
And what i mean by kind of is, he was really mild in comparison to others.
But cus i started meeting him when my life was going down hills again (i struggle with physical intimacy, traumas, which means i hate being touched cus i'm not used to it, and also i long for being touched, especially a hug.) I threw away my 2 years of not having anyone touch me in anyway on him, becasue he feels familiar, i knew it was one of my bad patterns. I longed for a hug, and the only way to get that 2024 is to have sex. So i did.
The more he and i met, the more it felt like i needed him. Wanted him. And i don't know if it's my body being tired of feeling untouched, or my mind being tired of being lonley or if i really felt a connection with him. I don't know.
I tried to talk to him about the fact being near him makes me panic, cus i don't panic when he's near, but he never really let me talk about it. And even tho we "are just friends who help eachother" I need more of the friends part so i can handle my ptsd. But he never really gave me the okay that ita okay to talk, and that's not breaking any "sneaky-link" rule. (I'm new to life. Okay?)
And after him not even respecting me enough to call of our plans, just ditching me and the next weekend pretend like nothing and do the exact same thing again, and the next weekend again. I couldn't take it anymore so i blocked him.
I know some will say it's childish, and i understand your point of view, but to me it's more, I don't want to raise a 30 year old, and tell him to have the respect for me to write to me if plans change, instead of wasting my entire night waiting for nothing, while holding myself at home and not even being able to take my dog for a walk untill robin shows up, cus he said he'd be here any minute.
So yeah, might be childish to block, but the rant i'd give him if i didn't block him would probably send me to jail. And because i feel lonley, i probably would let him back. And cus i suck, my feelings for him would also welcome him back. Cus the Loneliness i feel, is him not being next to me in bed, not seeing his face or hearing his voice, feeling his arms wrapped around me, not seing his story on snapchat.
I tried to not get feelings. I really did. Yet i don't know what i actually feel, i can't say i'm inlove with him cus it doesn't feel like it i just feel wierdly safe and vulnerable at the same time, but then again my perspective of love is constantly feeling anxious, stress etc, so maybe i am inlove with him? Peole say after toxic relationships you are gonna feel bored of you find someone "healthy". I don't know.
All i know is i miss him. And i'm not supposed to.
I feel lonley right now.
And that's something comming from someone who's been alone for the majority of her 29 years on this earth..
I wish someone could write me a script on what to do, how to behave, which path to take, how to do life, which sock i should put on first etc etc. Cus apparently i can't do anything rigth. And im not saying that in a"buhu" me type of way. More like im so fucking lost dudes, please tell me what to do about everything and anything, and i'll do it.
Cus i dont even know why i wrote here.
This doesn't lead to anything other than me feeling sorry for my self over stuff that's unreasonable to be sad about.
I miss Robin tho, or do i really? Is it just my addicition talking? My trauma?
I don't know. I really dont know.
I just want to be in his arms right now.
I wish i hadn't blockes him, but it was for the best for both of us.
I don't know what to make of this, like do i want responses to this rant? Is it a rant?
Is there even a question in here?
I don't know.
I just feel lonley.
I wish you all the very best ๐บ
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Also, i forgot to say about the whole "people blameing me for my moms pedophile bf". Also the sadness and shame i feel about people who should know me, thought i was protecting him. Thought i'm the type of person who would knowingly let a peddo walk free.. that's a different kind of hurt i'll tell you. People who are supposed to know you, people who have seen you stand upp against any form of abuse and scream it for the world to hear, would according ro the, allmof a sudden know he's a peddo, and just stay silent about it. My soul feels violated by thoose people. Cus clearly the havn't seen or heard me one but for 29 years. And that hurts like a mf..
And yes i could have made a new rant, but hey. I got to rant on my own rant, i see that as a win๐ค
Xo swedish friend
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