What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
For the last few years, I have taught science in a rather rough inner city school. I loved it for the most part. Loved my kids, my coworker, and all the responsibility coaching, hosting science club and what not. However, with it being inner city I also had my shares of sadness with the kids and their situations. On more than one occasion I bought groceries and clothes, helped students trying to get out of the gang affiliations they have with their families, called wellness checks, stayed after school for hours so that my kiddos could have a safe place to be. And sometimes that wasn't enough. I still have times where I am right back in one of those rough moments and it makes my heart just ache for my kiddos.
The one I am currently struggling with happened two years ago. I remember heading to my car and bumping into two girls from my science club who had asked me to stay after and I had forgotten about their request. I almost rescheduled, but the look on their faces made me turn right back around with them and head up to my classroom. I was helping them with some science work from another teacher, when the next thing we know, the school is under red alert. I close the doors and the three of us duck down into the science lab adjacent to my room, since it was harder to get into from the outside. The school had an app where the teachers could communicate with the entire school and they can specify the type of threat. The threat was labeled "armed gunman running towards campus shots fired, but gunman is not inside the school". We were there for a while and one of the girls asked to text her parents, since she lived near the school. I said ok as long as she was quiet. I was using the app to communicate with the principal to see if we knew what had happened. My student looked at me and said her mom was spam calling her and asked if she could pick it up. I told her to wait and see if the principal says the building is secure. The principal replied that the building is secure but the gunman had not been apprehended so the campus will remain under lock down until the police arrive and secure the perimeter. I told my student she could answer the call and what we heard just broke my heart. The mom was wailing and hysterical. She screamed that someone had shot my students brother in front of their house and he was bleeding everywhere and wasn't breathing. Her brother was another student of mine and the family lived a minute down the road. My student began to cry and wail and I just held her and told her, " I know baby. I am so sorry" over and over again. My other student began to cry too and we just sorta sat there, me trying to keep it together for them and then grieving in earnest for I don't know how long. I called the principal to let him know about the brother being shot and possibly dead and gave him all the information I had from listening to the mother and I told him I had the sister and her best friend with me. It was hard. That night I couldn't sleep and the next day was even worse. The boy did not make it and the school had many of his siblings, cousins, friends, and mentors who were all grieving. I remember just holding onto my students who were wailing and trying to calm them and listen and counsel them. Grief counselors were brought in, but a lot of times with the way these kids were raised, trust didn't come over night and they looked more to us, their teachers for help in this time. It was a hard, hard week. What made it worse were the details that eventually unfolded. Turns out that the main suspect in the shooting was another one of my students. They had at one point in time been friends and team mates, but as they got more involved with opposing local gangs, it withered their friendship. My other student came to the brothers house to fight with him, was losing said fight, pulled out an unregistered gun, shot and killed the brother, whom he had in the past been friends with. The saddest thing is that I lost two students, whom I had talked to on so many occasions about how much opportunity they had. They were both smart, and good at athletics and I was working with the other coaches on reaching out to colleges to get them away from this terrible cycle they each had. Now one is buried in the ground and the other is spending his life in a cell.
This memory was triggered today by another code red and this just flooded back to me. Even though I have since moved to a new city, I still take the pain of my kiddos with me and it seems like my heart will always ache for them. I often see the students as my own children. You just develop that bond with them, when you care for, nurture, and push them to see their potential. I think my inability to not do that stops me from getting over or at least not being so distraught and torn over these losses. I have lost 5 students in similar fashions and I love teaching, but I am at a loss of how to process and function with this information that replays in my head every time I see the flashing lights of a code red, which seem to follow me even after I moved away.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
My Unsent Letter to D
To my twin flame I miss you more than you will ever know. Its a pain that i feel deep within my soul that you aren't here with me anymore. Physically not but yo...
-
its hard..
its hard to know that the one person who you knew was your person the love of your life is not here anymore. and there is nothing you can do about it....
This is what happens when you live in America. As the saying goes: only in America. It will do you good to see a therapist to get the help you need to get away from this trauma and to go ahead with your life without the flashing lights of code red seemingly following you. All the best and I hope you never go through anything like this again.
Reply