Am I Afraid?

Yes… yes, I am. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if my friend comes with me to my dream highschool she’ll take everything from me. She was so quiet and shy when she came on the first day of school, but the only reason I first talked to her was because a teacher told me to hang out with her. She wasn’t the type I’d usually place myself with, but I followed the words and soon I considered her my friend, but I now that I truly think back. I never really spoke with her. She spent most of her time with another so-called friend of mine, but I never truly cared.

Even now that I speak with her more I still feel like I try to belittle her so she doesn’t think much of herself because I don’t want her to see what I keep denying to myself. She’s delusional, loves K-pop, and K-dramas, but now I see she’s becoming a beauty. Her skin is almost flawless besides a few beauty marks, and she has a nice shape. I can’t help, but envy her in a way. She may not have as much brains as me, but maybe she has more beauty than me.

I take a look at my body sometimes and I wish I didn’t gain weight so easily. I wished that I didn’t enjoy eating so much. She can eat as much as she wants and not gain anything and she’s not as skinny as a tree branch where it appears she can be broken in half with just a crack. She's a good size in all places.

I’m not fat or chubby, but I know I’m overweight. My mother’s side of the family always had problems with whatever they ate because we’d always gain the fat quickly and in our thighs. Which also means I have to be careful. Everyday I must put on my school uniform. I just try to hide my thighs a bit from others.

I love myself to a certain point, but I don’t have the softest skin, no facial hairs, clean eyebrows, healthy hair, no hyperpigmentation, white pearly teeth, a big bust, or bottom that isn’t perhaps just fat. I love myself, but when I think of desirable I’m not what pops into mind.

Everyday I remind myself that I'm desirable, but I’m beginning to question if I’m only saying that so I feel better. I’m aware I shouldn’t care what others think, but when it comes to the topic of men my body begins to feel anxious and fearful. I want to be desirable. I want a man to hold me in his arms and comfort me. I want a good man, but I feel saddened that he may look at someone else’s looks and just leave me.

I want to be pretty and wanted. I want to be the dream girl of someone who’s going to treat me right. I want him to have eyes for me and me only. It may sound selfish, but I just want it. I know I’m not ready for it, but I want it one day.

Then, I don’t want it. I don’t. I don’t want love, and much less any hook ups. I never want to resort to that for some type of feel of being desired. I don’t need other people around me judging me for having a mistake. I don’t need them calling me more undesirable after I’m left with a child and no husband or man to take care of him or her and myself.

Whenever I see someone prettier than myself I can’t help, but think of them as a young woman who can have any man she wants. So, that’s why I put my own friend down because I can make her feel less than what she is. It’s so normal for me to mistreat her with words, and we make jokes about what we eat, so at the moment I don’t see the wrong in it, but now reflecting back I’m a terrible person, I do realize that. I’m trying to change, but I’m not sure how, and I feel as though I'm only doing it to be accepted and not judged for being a horrible human being. I’m insecure probably, but maybe I pretend I don’t. Maybe I just call myself good, because I want to feel as if I fit into the standards of a wanted person. Maybe it’s the beginning of a good future because of realizing my mistakes or the beginning of what will fully break me.

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