He only likes me when I’m smol

I’m coming into my own and not long ago I’ve accepted that I am a middle with little tendencies. A past partner helped me feel comfortable enough to let that side of me out. There was an immense amount of shame associated with being smol for me. And it was nice to have a safe space to really embrace it with no fear of judgement. It was encouraged and welcomed, which I needed.

It’s not age play for me, I’m not acting. It’s a genuine part of myself that I get to express. There are some external triggers that put me in that headspace and sometimes I listen to hypnosis to allow me to fully lean into it.

I love being smol. I feel so free and the joy swells up my chest and bursts into reality. I’m hyper, excited, curious, cuddly, playful, sometimes a tad bit naughty. It’s a great state of mind to be in.

In my “Big” life I tend to overthink, I am a lot more serious and I take more of a dominant role in my everyday life, only because I have to. But I would much rather spend most of my time being smol and carefree. Of course that is unrealistic because I do have a life outside of kink.

The unconditional, all encompassing, innocent love that I had for my past partner when I was smol was so healing for me. To love without limitations, to not allow my past experiences make me hesitant and skeptical. I accepted and loved every detail of him. I believed every word he said and trusted that he would protect this delicate part of myself that had been hidden for so long. And he did…for a while.

The “red flags” slowly started popping up in my big life with him. He was short with me, yelled at me, every little thing would set him off, I never knew how to approach him, seemed like I couldn’t do anything right. I was constantly trying to “prove” that I wasn’t like his exes or his mom. He lied to me but accused me of cheating. I was so confused and felt myself slipping into little space as a way to dissociate and cope with this nightmare I found myself in. I wanted to see him through those eyes again. I thought maybe he’d go back to protecting me if I was smol again.

But that was a huge mistake because now I put that delicate side of myself in danger. It no longer became a safe space for me. I trusted someone else to protect that part of myself. So, it became increasingly hard for me to be smol, until I just didn’t anymore.

Every time I’d want to leave, I’d remember all the amazing times we had and it was hard to wrap my head around this being the same person I fell in love with. Everything he did and said was so foreign to me and so far from anything that aligned with me. How could I have been so blind? When I’d confront him, he’d deny and accuse me until I’d blow up and now I’m yelling with him. Screaming for him to just go back to the way he was. Screaming him to acknowledge how he’s treated me different. Screaming for him to love me and protect me like he promised he would. I didn’t recognize myself and I didn’t recognize him anymore.

And at times, I’d see a glimpse of him, but it was few and far between. I felt guilty for “leaving like everyone else” or not letting “love” be enough. And not waiting for him to “change”. But I know that I deserve much better and I’m not accepting anything less than that ever again.

I guess he only liked me when I was smol.