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My younger sister any I are pretty close as we are the only two left with our parents since oir two older sisters moved out. She has always been clingy and never wanted to be alone and us being four siblings she always rather played with us than to see friends - or even have them. She never had any closer friends and at least says she feel like going to see them makes her feel like she's letting me diwn so she doesn't (even though I tell her it's okay or that I want a break every now and then) I get that it's more comfortable to have your 'best friend' always by your side AND staying at home at the same time BUT I'M SICK OF IT. sick of her. I'm 19 and planning on moving out this year after I finished school. I don't have friends. I don't have hobbies. all I do in my free time is watch tv and eat as those are the only two things we commonly enjoy, even thoigh I'd rather do something else. At this point my whole life is about her. When I come home from school at 5pm I have like 30min to eat cause I told her I want at least that for me. Then she comes around and asks 'you wanna do sth?' And if I say no shes sad and will spend the reat of the day in her room. That doesn't sound that bad, if there wasn't the thing with the food. My family stopped eating together when most of us children had different schedules and we weren't at home at the same times so much and even more when me and after that my younger sister went vegan. A few months ago she has stopped making food for herself after school, cause she felt too exhausted (understandable to an extend, she doesn't eat at school as well because there are no vegan options and she finds it awkward to bring her own lunch) and as we addreased it with our parents they refused to take the time to cook for her because they both wirk (my mom works part time) and they didnt know what to cook and that it was her choice to go vegan and so on. So I started cooking for her every evening for the next day. I try to make it wort at least a little more than one meal because it's the only thing she takes in exept for a glass of oat milk in the morning. When I forget to cook amd don't sit with her in the evening and literally force her to eat or binge snacks with her she will go without eating and complain about it the next day (having shaky legs n stuff) if she actually manages to maje something for herself, she cooks instant noodles which is btw maybe half a lunch worth (calorie wise) and she only does that if she is nearly fainting.
This all leads to me heavily overeating and completely dying inside everyday. I can't control myself that well around snacks and have a little of a history with ED-ish issues so it messes with my brain. On the one hand I could attrmpt a healthy diet but on the other hand I could make my sister eat just enough (btw shes not gaining weight or sth or overweight in any sense, si she should actually eat a normal amount of food). When I lay in bed I think about what to cook next for her, so I don't have to eat with her. I think about how I messed up, I feel guilty for even thinking about leaving, because she'll end up in the hospital. I don't do anything besides entertaining her, and if shes not by my side I either eat even more out of emotion or I watch yt because it's the only time I got to really be relaxed, to be on my own. I don't study for my exams even though my grades get worse because when she does, I prepare a meal for her or us or I am busy thinking about it. And I was told from several people both online and offline that she shouldn't be my problem, that I have to let go, that she has to get around on her own.
The thing is, I can't. Because she will just drop dead if I do. She isn't able to live on her own anymore... or at least I think so.
So I lay in my bed in middle of the night, still awake, writing about her because I was thinking of how to get back on track with a better diet because I feel like garbage from too much sugar, and my mind drifted right to: But what about her? how on earth will she eat enough? What will be her next mealprep? how can you make her cook for at least the next three years? My exams start in two weeks. I am crying. I am lonely.
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