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The past few days I have been tortured by my dreams of you. The glimpses of what I think are the passionate side of you. I see us making love on a beach, or on a boat. I see you on top of me, riding me hard. I have seen all sorts of images in my dreams here recently. And a lot of guys would be thinking these are nice dreams to have. And they would be right if these dreams were memories.
There in lies my problem my love. I’d have better odds getting a snowball through hell than experiencing any of these dreams with you. I told you that you better be lucky I am not the guy I used to be. I used to be confident, very sure of myself. I use to be a player, and running game everywhere I went. I use to be cocky as all get out. But that is no longer who I am. That is no longer what I am. I now do not have the confidence that God gave a cricket in a jumping contest. I am a shell of the man I used to be. I am no longer sure of anything in my life. No, that is not entirely true.
I am only sure of two things in my life. The first, life has a sick sense of humor. It shows me the love of my life, only after I make the biggest mistake of my life. And the second, YOU are that love in my life and wishing things will change for us is useless.
Thinking of you constantly seems to be my new lot in life. You are always there in the back of my mind. You are in the lyrics anytime I listen to music. You invade my dreams at night. Anytime I write, you guide my hands. You are the one measure of happiness I can count on in my life.
And I know the title and what I wrote sounds like anytime you are in my thoughts, it is torturous. That can not be further from the truth. There are many happy memories I have of times we spent together. There are times when I held you in my arms. I can still feel you there sometimes. I can still smell your perfume sometimes wafting in the air. And every time I look around for you only to find it was all in my mind.
I think that is the most tortured I am. Seeing you every where I go, only for it not to be you. Or is the most tortured I am is when I am stuck in my own mind and it is telling me I am not worthy of an angel like you. That I am not good enough for you. That I am beneath you. That you are too classy for someone like me. How often do I fight this battle in my mind? I would like to say I win more than I lose, but I would be lying. Having to fight this battle time after time after time, day after day after day is sheer torture. It is stressful, it breeds anxiety and it is tiring. There are times I just want to give up and quit fighting the battle. But every time I try to quit fighting, I keep hearing “love don’t run.” If I truly loved you like I keep saying I do, I would be there for you 24/7. Even if you told me that there is no way and to go away, I will still be here for you because “love don’t run.” I asked you once if I was stupid, that if my love felt the same way I do that I am not stupid, and you told me “you’re not stupid.” Which means you do feel the same way about me that I feel about you. At least I hope that is what it means. So that is what I find myself doing, hanging on to every hope that you feel the same way about me. I hold on to every little tiny string of hope that you give me. I guess that is what will have to keep me sane. Holding on to the hope that you love me just like I love you.
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Why do your dreams about this girl have to be about having sex with her? You guys are all the same. You let your dicks run your lives when it comes to girls.
ReplyFirst, she is a woman and not a girl. And secondly, sex is an important part of a relationship to a guy. It is the way we were built. It helps us feel intimacy with someone.
Reply