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Just for some context, I am a 20 year old woman who lives with my mom while commuting to college. Anyways, it's hard for me to tell if my mom is emotionally abusing me. Many of my peers believe she is. My dad was always the obviously manipulative, insulting, cruel one, so it hurts to accept that I can't really turn to my mom either. She would never physically abuse me in any way, and she doesn't do clearly mean things like directly calling me names, but there's other things that hurt me:
1. Religion: She will not let me be myself. I've been through a lot with religious trauma, and she doesn't help. She expects that one day I will return to God and that it's destined for my life. She forces her beliefs onto me and becomes upset when I disagree with her in the slightest. I'm bisexual and she has always been homophobic, saying that it's a demon and I'm surrounded by spirits. I was living an entire double life since the age of 12 until I was outed at 17 or 18. She shows clear disgust when seeing gay people and vocalizes it, which just makes me feel ashamed to ever be myself around her. I believe she thinks I will one day become fully straight. She also sees sex in a religious context, and tells me to "stay pure", says nudes from a partner are demonic, judges women who wear revealing clothing, and absolutely believes sex before marriage is awful. She gives me a bedtime pretty much and won't allow me to spend a night with my partner or even male friends. I know I could just do these things anyways, but fighting with her is exhausting and sometimes I just don't want to put up with it. When I was younger she would look through my phone and not let me have an online social life, which ruined a lot of my relationships. Also, she tells me to not start drinking when I turn 21. She calls me a little girl. She seems to judge my friends who curse while speaking and expects me not to. She doesn't want me cuddling or laying down with my boyfriend and has me keep doors open. She asks me personal and inappropriate questions about my sex life. Things like if I masturbate, if I look at porn, if I'm having sex, etc. She also seems to think I know nothing about these topics. Just a week or two ago she asked to go through my phone, but I paid for the damn thing so I stood my ground and said no. She asks me if my girl friends are trying to get with me, or if I'm secretly in relationships with them. She's uneasy when I hang out men. She emphasizes that I am her baby and refuses to see me as a grown adult with my own beliefs, morals, and personality. I grew apart from one of my friends when I was a kid as she and my dad wouldn't let me go to her house for her hang outs since her parents were lesbians and that would be "walking into a lion's den". I had so much self hate my entire life for being gay because of the shit her and my dad would say. She has always played a big part in my religious trauma. I straight up still find myself believing delusions that God will give her visions of all the things I do (the things I do being normal, adult things like sex with the one I love or having a drink with friends!) because that's what was always ingrained into me in childhood. She has always hated that my brother and his girlfriend moved out before marriage, and tells me not to do the same. When it comes to the trauma I've been through, she tells me that I need to get back into the church and find Jesus. I've communicated to her about the type of motherly emotional support I could use, but that would include her allowing me to be myself so she would never be that for me.
2. Codependency: I'm not sure what she would do if I moved out. Friends tell me to leave, offer up their homes, but I worry for her. She relies on me for so much around the house and she also loves my dog and says if I were to ever leave to keep my dog here. The way she relies on me makes me uncomfortable, however. She can't sleep when I'm not home. She's also quite a homebody and shuts herself off in her bedroom if I have a friend over. She doesn't really have friends. One time I was away for a while, and I can't remember if we got into an argument or something, but it ended with her saying how she "misses having a man around the house", as if I was her replacement for one and she had nobody to cling to when I was gone. I hated that, it was weird. I don't want to be compared to a partner.
3. Victim to my Dad: My dad emotionally abused my entire family. We are all out of the situation now, but I'm not sure how to feel about my mom's role in it. He is a manipulative narcissist and had us living in dangerous conditions and having us hide it from child protective services my entire adolescent years from 9 to 17 yrs old. My mom had a completely normal, safe, and stable home life before him. I understand she was abused and her religion was used against her, and she does anything for her religion so she thought she was doing right by sticking with him, but I don't know how to feel sometimes. My brother and I were helpless children. I know she was a victim, but how could she let us live through what we lived through? Her trauma became our trauma. As soon as I encouraged her to leave when I was older, it's like it all ended so quickly. It was that easy, but with the way abuse goes it never seemed that way. It makes me sad. She clearly feels guilty about not doing anything to get us out of there during those times. When I speak about all the mental issues and illnesses I have as a result, not directing anything at her whatsoever and simply just processing it and trying to get some support, she begins to cry and tell me she's so sorry. I always just accept her apologies and I've never ever said anything to her face, because I know she was a victim too, but I just don't know how to feel about her role in my trauma.
4. Overall Prying/Being Overbearing: I'm grateful to have a parent who worries for me and cares for my wellbeing, but I just want to emphasize how frightened it can make me. Besides the prying and invasions of privacy that I've already stated, she just always wants to know where I'm at and what I'm doing and who I'm with. Parties and clubs are completely off limits to me in her eyes, even though she was doing the same things at my age and more often. All my other friends can be themselves with their parents, or even have fun with them as well. Not me. I'm always lying and paranoid and shaking and crying when it comes to just wanting to go out and be a young adult who does young adult things. Instead I find solace in my friends' parents. I don't do anything crazy, and I have a great group of responsible friends who all look out for each other, but my mom just cannot fathom that the friends I grew up with and I are all older now. Even things as simple as walking around town she banned me from, but I do it anyways.
In conclusion, I feel like I live a double life and I always have. I even began referring to it as a double life to myself at a very young age (12 as I mentioned before). I feel so trapped, like I'm in fetal position in a cage wearing baby clothes that don't fit me. Her love is unconditional, but is it really? I hate being looked down upon by her just for being myself. I become so envious of my friends who can truly tell their parents anything. My friends who are allowed to curse or be with other women or have sex or get birth control or drink or follow a different religion or be whoever they want to be. My friends who are supported and loved doing the things that I see as completely normal aspects of life, but my mother sees as sending us to hell if we don't start following God. I get so depressed when I come home, knowing there's no space for me to be myself here. Sometimes I drive at late hours in the night (to her great dismay) so I can avoid going home just a little bit longer. And all of my family members are just as religious, on both parents' sides too. I have my brother and uncle who fully love and accept me, but you know how nothing can replace a parent's love and support. It hurts to know that I don't have that in either parent. I often just feel so alone. I'm still unsure if the ways in which my mom controls and frightens and hurts me are emotionally abusive, but I know that it sucks and it makes me cry and it makes me even more mentally ill than I already am. Maybe I'm just downplaying my own experiences and that's what makes it so hard to see my mom as abusive. Or maybe I'm being ungrateful and this is actually normal parenting and I'm just overdramatic. It's so frustrating because I'm so fucked up I genuinely can't tell. Thank you to anyone who may have read this or can provide some kind insight.
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Tell her that in the Bible in Paul to the Corinthians Paul says it is good to be a virgin when you marry but it is better to not be a virgin when you marry. (Try before you buy). Also tell her to see a therapist to try at least to get herself sorted out. This is a toxic situation you are in and the sooner you get away from her the better. She is being very selfish to you and is keeping you with her for company as she seems to have a fear of being alone or even getting another man. Tell her that you have to leave for the sake of your own sanity and you have your own life to live as she is toxic to you as well as selfish. Let her know that you will keep in touch and visit and if you want to take your dog you will but you will get her a puppy before you go. Don't let her fear control you and if you can't let go of your fear and guilt of leaving her alone see a therapist as well. You are both intertwined in this together and if you have trouble leaving you need help as well.
ReplyAs someone with very similar experiences to you, I would say yes, this is emotional abuse. I've felt the same thing, wondering if I'm just being ungrateful and a bad child. You need to get out. Don't worry about your mom. She has other family, and frankly doesn't deserve your help. Ask your brother and your uncle for help if you need to. I'm rooting for ya. <3
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