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I am stuck. Everyday is the same, I exist without purpose, ambition or activity. I wake up and I don't know how the hours pass until it is night. I used to be strong, brave and intelligent. Academically brilliant and a perpetually curious child who could not wait to explore everything there is to do. In college, I have failed exams in two semesters. I do not have the courage to ask about how I can give the supplementary exams. The place feels so unpleasant, I don't even want to go. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, but it still feels like I'm making excuses for my incompetence. I feel embarrassed when I look at what I've become. I have no prospects platonically or romantically. I don't feel joy in hanging out with my friends or enjoying my hobbies like I used to. My parents have been extremely supportive of me and it makes me feel guilty. They should complain more. They deserve a better child. My peers have all gotten ahead in life, even those I thought were just aimless drifters. I have no interests, dreams or goals. I don't even know when I wake up what I want to do for the day. I fill my brain with constant activity from screens so I wouldn't have to experience a single thought. I am dissatisfied with everything about myself, including my behavior, my work and my appearance. I want to change, but everything feels hopeless. I don't know where to start, how to persist and where to go from here. I feel stuck in this state. I have been here for far too long and I am afraid I will remain here.
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Since I have been where you are, I thought it fitting to offer some advice. This may not be what you want to hear, or what comment helps you, but it’s the best advice I have to offer.
Feeling worthless and losing motivation is part of the endless cycle of being a human. Sometimes, it’s harder for some people to pick themselves back up; just the way we were made. But to get out of this slump, you have to first and foremost, decide that you want more for yourself. Which is where I think you’re at because you’re asking for help on a small online platform.
Step two, pick an escape. Something to help you drift from the repetition of everyday life and experience something new. For me, it was books! I can fly through books within 2-4 days, so I live hundreds of lives every year that help me escape the mundane one. This is going to be your anchor and your reason to smile. Because let’s face it, people let us down, so you need something that ISN’T human to tether yourself to. (Another great one is the Bible, if you’re religious.)
Step Three, figure out what you want to do. What you’re good at. Things that make you happy to do. What do you do when you’re alone? When you’re truly happiest? What things peak your interest and make you think for yourself, and truly think? Examples are: art, building, writing, sports, debate, cheer, engineering, psychology, history, and more. If any of these sound interesting, or something I didn’t say, study it! Make that your ambition. High school (if that’s where you are) isn’t everything. If you’re in college, then just know the money is coming out of someone’s pocket and you have to do these things, if not for yourself then for the people financially supporting you.
Lastly, make sure to give yourself a break and not beat yourself up over things. You don’t have to be the best. You just have to do your best.
- With love and empathy, cigarettedesires 🖤
ReplyI have felt very similar to how you're feeling. Give yourself the grace, time, faith and trust you put in others. Feeling this way overwhelms me a little bit too. Having supporting parents is huge. I'm sure they do it with all the love and do not expect anything in return. Life is not going to be perfect all the time but there will be moments and people, plans and goals, to live for. Heads up, dear human!
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