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I am on my first year of high school. I am made fun of, judged, and seen as a weird person. I do not disagree with the statement i’m weird, but I wish it didn’t stop me from having friends. I also want love. The phone I am writing this from is a secret device my parents do not know I have. It is all I have to the online world. I am very lonely. I want to be close to someone, I want to be loved, but my heart can’t stand being vulnerable. I can’t stand the thought of being hurt. Even if I try to date, I no longer seem to feel love. What happened? I know I am a mere teenager, I have not “seen” the adult life. People put me down for that. they assume I have no trama. I can still be scared. I have been raped, groomed, and taken advantage of. I am losing passion from things I used to do all day. Drawing seems less and less appealing. It’s getting harder to live. My grades feel like a big game hunter. I am a tiger slinking through the woods of my depression and trama. My grades are my commander, my fear. the drive to continue despite the ache in my body. If I make a wrong move, I will be shot. My grades will fall, and my worth will be lost. I cannot handle this heavy feeling, though I travel on. I fear the day the weight snaps me. The day I fall, the day I roar and kick and scream and cry but nothing frees me. I fear the day my depression takes me, I NEED TO BE FREED.
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High school has its struggles there's no denying that. The real world after that however can be brutal depending on your career path. I know things may be stressful and things right now but you'll have better days. No, nobody should put you down for anything you're going through. First year of highschool was rough stressful and scary for me too. Take life and things one day at a time, do the best you can. I understand people don't always know or understand our struggles. Especially if you have any kind of trauma. Im no expert on the subject but concerning love do things at your own pace. You don't have to be in a rush. Anyway hang in there and take care I hope things get better for you xx
ReplyI’ve never liked people being labelled as weird when (it looks like) really it’s the bullying and/or ostracism they’ve suffered that has caused that and not the other way around. You said you’re losing passion for things you used to do every day well that’s a classic sign of depression so please don’t ignore it before it might get worse.
It’s normal to fear rejection and have a vulnerable heart especially if you lack self confidence. You’ve come to expect negativity from people so why would it be any different.
Your post is profoundly worrying because these problems can last for decades in many cases. That’s why far more should be done about bullying because it doesn’t just ruin school days it ruins lives and a lot of adult mental health problems stem from it.
I sincerely hope you can find a way to get help before you slide any further down that hell hole, got my fingers crossed for you and wish you the best luck always
ReplyI'm sorry that you are feeling this way right now but glad that you could share. Please do not think you are weird because of others. You are who you are, a person, a human like everyone. You may like different things, you may think differently, like everyone and just because someone thinks you're weird doesn't make you one. And don't stop being yourself because of this.
I think love should start from inside. Love yourself and be kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. And then love and be kind to everything around you. If you already do so, well done. As for finding love, do not treat it as something to fill your heart and loneliness. Treat love as something you will make space for even if your heart is content and you are not lonely. And do not settle for anything less.
Discuss your problems with someone you trust and agree with. Use your interests to express your thoughts and feelings if you can't share them directly (as you mentioned drawing and i like your writing skills just from this post).
Being groomed or raped is evilest, sickest thing in the world and it should not happen to anyone INCLUDING YOU.
The first thing is to realise you did nothing wrong and none of this is your fault. Don't hide your trauma from yourself. Understand it and confront it. You can find lots of self help info online.
Depression, personally for me was caused by expectations. Everyday I woke up expecting things to go the way i wanted, people to talk to me, something good to happen, and so on. Letting go of expectations helped.
And I've realized that even another painful day is better than no tomorrow. We feel depressed because we have felt happiness once and we will feel happiness again because we're feeling depressed now.
So free yourself and if you feel down or lonely again, remember I am keeping you in my thoughts and wishing for your freedom, tiger slinking through the woods.
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