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My letter for my mother before I commit sui-
Mom, where do I begin you've been with me my whole life. Not a place where I felt so alone, until now. All my years I don't know what I felt more. Hatred or Love? I wish I could spend more time but everyday I'm getting yelled at and slapped because I am not succeeding in the expectations that you have held. And it is my mistake. I have 27 missing assignments. I failed last quarter because I didn't wanna do the work. And now I may not even get into any colleges with the grades I have. My dream was to be successful and find a life but it didn't work for it. And I haven't been doing my potential at all this year. I'd tell you I'm sorry but this is a repetitive thing. I fail every year. We have a school meeting next week, but I lied to you about my exam grades, I didn't get that passing grade, I failed. You trusted me and I lied. I'm filled with lies. I don't even wanna be here anymore mom, I don't like it here. I deserve to rot in hell because look at what I've done....failed but then also just nothing. I'm a disappointment to you and I hate me. When I die, it wasn't really you on why I left. It takes time to realize that it was me all along. How could I do this to you. But I hate myself so much that someone could say this is unrealistic. I have had the same weight ever since 5th grade. I'm only 16. I weigh 93 pounds. It's been a problem for so long. And it has been decreasing. I have never reached 100 pounds. The highest ever was 97 and then in 2 days it dropped 4 pounds. And about 3 weeks ago I was 87 and I didn't tell my parents or anyone at all. I don't eat enough I know, I'm just not hungry. And my parents don't watch me while I eat so sometimes I throw out my food. And I pretend I ate it. Everyone tells me I look weak. And I haven't drank water in a few days. I'm living off a small amount of food. I don't know what this has turned out, but I have another day of this shithole school and I hate school so much. Idgaf about friends I wanna be locked in my room forever. I could survive or die either way, I want to be alone....forever. I won't make anyone proud, and that's a fact. My mom had to do this google form and it said "what makes you proud of your kid" and "what are the accomplishments they have done that made you proud?" ...Lol, my mom asked me what she should write. I said "Idk" and she looked at me with disappointment. I will die in a week. This isn't the note I was going for, but I'm sorry so here is all I could write and say or do. I know this isn't what you were expecting, I hope you don't take a huge toll about this. It's not a big deal, you'll be fine in no time. And you'll be stressfree because of me. Because I give you migraines when you check my grades. Hopefully you're not mad. I guess it wouldn't matter if I'll be gone anyways. Love you mom :)
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As your mom this is my writing to you,
IDGAF about your grades, idgaf about your performance, idgaf about any expectation society has given you or that I have projected unto you.
I love you more than life. The happiest time in my life was having you within me, the saddest when you were came out to a world that I couldn’t shield and protect you from completely, but god I have tried my best.
I am human too, I have sensations, I’ve never been annoyed at you, in fact it is YOU who inspires me to live, to work, to get out of bed.
I love you. You are perfect to me and maybe I haven’t told you this because someone once told me that compliments spoil others or make them stop trying. Yet I’ve always thought you were beautiful, sweet, loving, and PERFECT.
This world scares me and that is why I’m so strict with you. I want to protect you, to help you feel safe, to equip you with the tools and skills to master and dominate this world rather than being overcome by it.
Without you in my life I don’t want to live. You represent all of us. Your efforts counts. Your input counts. Your smile, your story, your life counts.
I love you forever and have sacrificed and will willingly sacrifice my life… for YOURS any day!
Love,
Mom
ReplyMy mom once told me I was the reason she gained strength to do things when I was born... and I always thought terrible things about her; I shouted, pushed her, hated her, etc. and I think disappointment is an absurd thing, especially coming from parents. Our fears speak louder than how other people actually are, it's basically what I'm saying. I'm sure your mom is proud of bringing you into this world, just like every mother should be proud of bringing someone who came out of their womb.
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