Letter to my friend who struggles with mental health.

I’d like to say, firstly, that you’ve been a special person in my life, and you always will be. Regardless of my inexperience with having friends and keeping them, you’ve been a consistent source of friendship for many years now – and I appreciate all that you’ve endured and done. You are not a terrible thing to be, and you’re no less despondent than the rest of us.

Yet, I feel as though you’re frightened. You’re afraid of good things, whatever they may be; your peace of mind, your sanctity, your happiness – all of it is frightening, I know – and it’s because you’ve never had these things before. You’re a person with many voids and doubts, and displeasures. To you, perhaps having many gaps to fill in your life is a routine thing, but it shouldn’t be.

Despite everything that’s hurt you throughout the course of our friendship, to me, nothing has ever hurt you the way in which you hurt yourself – to the highest degree and done with succinct intensity. You have spoiled so many things for yourself for simply doubting them too much. People shouldn’t have the grasp they do on your own individual life. Insecurity has taken so much of you, and as your good friend, I don’t want you to give up another part of yourself. You should have the confidence to say and do what you mean.

When I see you, I see my friend from years ago – who is so young and so curious, who is just beginning. I have watched you from your happiest, from the best you could be and consequentially, the worst that follows. It’s never easy to say when there’s a lot of tension between us but, you’re my good friend and I need to tell you this:

You need help. The kind friends and family just can’t give you. The kind people always need but never have until they feel they don’t need it anymore, but they do. To have a good life, Dan, I want you to have a fighting chance. And to me, the only way you can achieve this is through taking the necessary steps towards your future and happiness.

Everything that hurts you, you need to face it with guidance. There’s nothing anyone else can do for you but allow you your own time to do this. You cannot have the benefit of your own doubt, always – someday you won’t be young enough to give that to yourself anymore, and neither will anyone else.

People grow up, that’s what we’ve done since we met. We’ve just kept growing and giving and taking and learning – and it’s a process that means we never know something for too long. We’re in such a transient stage now, nothing is crucial; nothing has meaning, but the things we do at eighteen will shape the meanings that will come along for the rest of our lives, and that’s so important. You need to learn what you care about, and if you care enough about you, then you need do it for yourself and nobody else.

I care about you, so much. I care about you to the extent that no matter what you call me, or what you think of me, I undeniably want the best for you. Whether that’s friendship, I don’t know. Maybe it’s not, but friendship is not as important to me as the state of your wellbeing. You’re a good person with misfortune, and I’ve seen it so many times. I don’t want you to become victim to your circumstance, I don’t want you to be afraid of your own life, I never want you to resent yourself or others.

No matter how you’ll take this, you’re a very delicate person. And you need love – you need to feel wanted in every room you walk into. While that’s not uncommon, I fear the things you would do and the lengths you would go to, to have these things. So, please, help yourself. Start by rooting out your problems – and don’t think that you must solve them, just come understand your own strengths and weaknesses, so that you can be aware of the difference between what you need, and what you want.

In my own experience, there’s nothing you can do about your past. There’s nothing you can change about yourself, and it felt like I was constantly running into the same wall, with the same problem. My therapist said that you can either confront it, accept it, or move on.

I had often thought before that all these options were the same, but in reality – as I’ve only recently found out – it doesn’t matter which one you choose, because having the option is what matters. I looked at my life through each choice – confronting it, accepting it or moving on entirely – and in each vision of myself, I was unaffected because I was in control of how I thought, and how I felt. I allowed myself space away from my problems to look at them through the eyes of someone unrelated to me.

I’m relaying this because I think that could be important to you – being able to breathe and look at yourself from different angles. Knowing that, while you’re the only one inside of your own head, outside of it, there are so many people who can see you, who are impacted by you, and who care about you, deeply.

And don’t just say that you know you should get help, and that you’re trying. You’ve been trying for a long time, but all your mistakes remain unbroken in a vicious cycle.

You don’t have to be anybody but yourself – you can put your hand up and say ‘I don’t know’ sometimes, that’s okay. I don’t know anything either, but I’m trying to get my point across – you’re a good person, I care about you, so care about yourself as well.

Sincerely,

Your old friend.