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My mother and i had a quarrel. She asked me to think deeply about the proposal that she found for me. Recently i broke up with my second proposal. Nice guy with handsome look but without a permanent job. I thought i could make up his mind and encourage him to start something new. But finally he told me i'm not romantic enough for him. And that was the second time i heard of it. My first proposal , he said the same thing and left me (I think he is too romantic). So it's a relief somehow.
Actually I wasn't a type who can love at a first sight. I think i'm normal looking girl with a fine job. I have very few crushes in my life time. But never went for it. ( sometimes it was impossible) How can i explain to someone that i can't love and be romantic before i get to know that person well. I really need much time for that. I sometimes wondered why i can't be a normal girl and find a guy i can love. So many tears and heartbroken moments were passed.
They used to say " you didn't try enough" or " you have to do it even if you don't feel".
It was easy them to say. But pretending someone who i don't wan to be was hurt deeply and become boring.
I thought i need time. But they say that i am running out of time. Maybe it's true. This is 34 th year of my life. May be i'm too old to take time for this kind of things. But i can't lie to myself and be a good daughter for my family. I can't put my life into a danger. I have seen my friends got their partners and live a happy life with them. They got married after afew months or years they dated. What took me so long to love for someone else. What is the wrong with me? Am i an asexual ? Some psychiatrist said you'd better not married. But sometimes i thought if i had a person for me in this world i would love him with all my heart. Because of some inner feeling i still think i can love someone more than i could think.
That's why i consider going to meet a psychiatrist again. Somehow i wanted a reason about the problems of my love life.
Thanks to consultant psychiatrist i revealed that i am an introvert person. credit gose to my second proposal. Fortunately at the age of 34 i was known as an INFJ. Many of the questions about my life got its' answers.
But how can i explain them to the others? My parents, friends, family members and to my proposals.
" i have an INFJ personality. So it takes time to built a love relationship. So can we be friends first and let the time to decide".
It seems like a fun to them. "We are not teenagers. We are old now. We have to have children. Proposal aren't supposed to be a friendship" They will say. (Trust me they did)
I know it's not easy to find a partner for an INFJ specially in a country like mine. Who's gonna to trust you? Nobody......
I've never been in love. Maybe you will be surprised to hear that. I actually don't know what love is. Because i've never been through. In my second proposal i gussed that i was going to feel something. But it was killed from the beginning. Honestly I tried. But they don't want to wait for me.
I don't know whether i can find someone how truly understand me as i am or not. I think us INFJs must aware of our true identity in the first place. So that we can develop our love life with much time.
I have no idea who's going to be my life partner. Maybe there will be no one at all. But i'm still waiting here with a hope. I have a big heart ( I guess ) so i can give the love for someone else i really love. And i want it to start with friendship. So that we can let time to make a choice.
I think one day if i find someone who accept me my mother will proud of me. I like to see her smile at my wedding day. I truly know she did more than enough for me. I don't want to give her more trouble that i'm giving her now. I' m not stubborn here. (i usually a stubborn persone sometimes but not here) i still try all the way i can. I don't know where it will end. If i'm lucky i will find one. ( a man or a woman. I have no idea about that too ) or i will be single forever (The hard choice).
Finally i think let the time to choice it without bothering about it too much. Where will my karma take me in this life? I'm curious about it.
Time to time it bothers me with little and heartbroken quarrels with my mother. She is old. Very old. Having all the age related diseases in her body i'm giving her the extra pain. I don't know how to fix it. It's an emotional issue. I wish my destiny finds me a better solution as soon as possible. But i' m sorry Mother (amme) if i will be too late.
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ReplyThanks a lot
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