Mixed Emotions Or Is It Something Else?

I am so all over the place right now. And I truly don't know how to feel. I am so grateful that I got my apartment. But I don't know if it's because I don't have any furniture or if I just genuinely just do not feel right. Something is off with me. I don't know I just thought things would be different. And all I can do is shake my head. Breathe in breath out. What could be missing? I don't want to admit this, but I feel like I am hiding my true feelings about everything. It all seems so good and crystal clear. Now I feel like I just made a bed I don't want to lay in. And that is absolutely crazy. I have been putting off writing for so long. I just don't think I could live with myself after writing this shit out on paper. Living life at cost of everyone else's emotions but your own is like a deja vu of a slow death. I mean you constantly put everyone else's needs before yours and, in the end, you are the one to get left behind, lied to, played with, used, and just plain ole walked all over.

Look at me a 25-year-old single mom. Yep, that's definitely how I seen myself. I have no friends, and I am living off taxes. While trying to let my check add what I spent back up. My boyfriend job sends him home every time he goes up there. For some reason there is never any routes. Who in the fuck hire all these people with nowhere for them to work. I am so stressed; I really do want to stop drinking this wine. But it is the only thing that puts me to sleep for work the next day.

I told myself that I wasn't going to drink the whole month of March. Now look at me on the second day getting wasted off of 3.99 wine from the local meat market. I cooked for the second time in the house. I say that because cooking use to be my happy place. But now nothing truly makes me happy anymore. People are dropping like flies; I can't sit in my living room because there is no furniture. My significant other isn't who he set out to be. My son dad left the city and we have not heard from him since. I truly and whole heartedly hate my fucking job.

My dad tries to find ways about everything in my life. I just feel lost or out of my body. This does not feel like an episode. This is different. I want to sit still but don't want to sit still. I am hot as hell, my eyes are heavy, I am a tad bit tipsy and horny. And I am sitting here typing this and that because my mind is running all over the place at one time. I want to cry but won't let my tears fall. It is weird. Like you can feel in your heart you are hurt your eyes will want to water but dries up before a tear could fall.

I have never wanted to cry so bad so much in my life. All I can do is sit here and just stare into space and sip my wine because for the first time in my life I feel like I am nothing and not going to get anywhere in life. Just shaking my head in disappointment. Life is really lifing you know and no matter how much I smile or pretend everything is okay, I still feel like nothing.

XOXOXO

Love Nobody