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I’ve been suicidal since I was 13. It started during puberty but I fantasized about dying long before. I got hell in varying ways from when my dad used to be a psycho and idiot jocks and attractive girls when I used to be a shy geek as a kid and teen which is fact but my other family members now are in denial about.
Funny, it’s almost always families that are the last to accept truth even when they know it and it’s been admitted and witnessed. Don’t you hate that? It’s causing major issues and my PTSD nobody is taking serious except my therapist but she’s powerless. At least she cares.
I’m not young so I know all the mental health field bs and the fact meds after many years either stop working or just make you worse. Only problem is they change the architecture of your brain often for the worse particularly over time or make you an addict if you never were. Such fun! It is true it gets worse or pops up worse as you get older. Enjoy youth if possible but ask lots of questions and always be curious,
I’ve got my bachelors in psychology which was easy for me but that went nowhere as they only want drones or unqualified people in the field. It’s a sham and online therapy means jack. Of course, if it works for you I’m glad, I refuse as it’s lazy, unemotional and detached. I’m none but get labeled as such.
One can easily call it a Gen Xer disgusted with society’s obsession with technology which ruins almost everything on a human level. It’s disturbing. Everyone hides behind their phone or talks on it for everything. What are we robots? Oh wait that was always the plan. Slaves. It worked.
I planned on killing myself last year as I’ve exhausted every avenue and been in this game for decades. It all makes you worse. I’m empty, spent and know all the bs these fools in the field tell us. I’m done. All lies and more people not trained telling me stuff that is asinine because they don’t know anything.
The latter is often the young ones they never bothered to train, more laziness because they’re at home on Zoom. Then there are the 28-30 something year old new nurse practitioners attempting to diagnose you in 20 minutes. I just laugh as I’ve already got 4 real ones not ones you had to look up in front of me. How pathetic. Nothing new and constant naïveté.
After many years you feel like a pill dispensary and nobody understands you or illnesses or your issues as we often have friends with these disorders or none at all as it’s as pointless as masturbation. Sound familiar? If not, in time it likely will and I don’t lie.
I have female friends all over the country and amazingly women still wanting me (usually for sex sadly). I just don’t care anymore.yes, I am that gone. It’s all pointless. I liked a girl last year and attempted a friendship but I was more of a friend to her than she was for me and she knows it but her ego or trauma if that even was true took over and I became a compulsive mess as she triggered me. We didn’t mesh but I did try. Did she?
She just wanted what I provided. Still, I let her. Perhaps, because she was the only female left that as self involved as she was at times made me strangely feel anything. Go figure. Now, this narcissistic bitch is stuck in my head and I know it’s because she never followed through on her promise like I did, I feel cheated, pathetic, insane at times and know people are now definitely afraid of me when if they knew me in my 20s they’d know true fear. Got away with all that decades ago and it haunts me too. I rarely age facially. It’s a curse or back then a blessing in disguise. It’s should sadly hard not to chuckle at how dumb and naive people are. Still, perhaps that’s a positive for the gag had things I did?
The bad flashbacks are constant and has taken over my life as post SSRI brain damage and ECT which is what we all do when meds no longer work but it just made me worse. Always trying and always no answers yet they pretend to care. They do not.
Anyone here that is young, it may get worse and likely will at some point, but some make it out alive. I will not but I welcome death, however, we are talking many decades of hell as it gets worse and worse but there was an is good in life at times, That being said, with many of us it’s minimal and rarely lasts. So embrace it when it’s actually there and apparent.
As for whatever disorder such as PTSD you think was mild as I once foolishly did although it never was. You just never know when it’ll show up and take over. I thought I was done with the past but it wasn’t done with me. That’s this hellish disorder. So few understand this debilitating disorder as most of us aren’t even vets which fuels the others such as bipolar and ocd.
How the bloody hell am I still here at age 46? It’s anybody’s guess. I’ve made my funeral playlists as I’m a music junkie. Wrote my will and am planning my eventual end. Nobody will care but my mom anyway but I honestly believe she’ll finally get to relax when I’m gone and I’m not a dumb person.
I’m an exhausting person even though my family often makes it worse by their denial and constant canceling of anything i say if even in a nice tone. I’m done, I sincerely wish all of you the best.
Back to the grindstone for this dead man walking. Good luck and if you’re dark or realistic, there’s nothing wrong with it, it just means you’re not delusional and full of shit like the field has suddenly and almost completely become, and even worse than 15 years ago. Trust me, I’ve seen ‘em all. Much luck. You’re gonna need it.
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ReplyThis life can be pretty rough I know. Do you really think it's worth giving up though? There are those in hospitals fighting fjr their lives so why would you want to give up yours? You said you had a degree in psychology. Wouldn't you want to use that for good to help others who genuinely need it? You put in the work for it why not it as force for good? I envy you in that respect. It could also be a reason for you to live. Interacting with others genuinely seeking help for issues. You might be exhausted but there's always hope. I still see good and potential in you. If an anonymous person online can see that then so can others. Keep fighting I believe in you xx
ReplyIf you have a degree in psychology, and the system of psychology practicecioners are full of crap, you have the chance to be a light in the dark, proving as a true example of someone who works in that field should be.
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