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I want to die, at my own hand especially. I'm a teenager, and I honestly don't find anything in life that makes me happy anymore. My mum is an asshole, and I'm trying to be an angsty kid when I say that. Honestly, if she died one of these days, I don't think I'd cry at her funeral, or when I receive the news. I haven't cried in so long, I think my brain forgot how. I'm too fucking numb to cry. My parents know I feel like this, and they sent me to a fucking psychiatrist. Its not like I don't wanna get better, it's that I don't want help. I just want it to end. All of it. And whatever help they try to give me won't work. I just want it to be over. I can't handle it anymore.
I've made plans so many times, and I'm planning to go through with it, finally. I made my best friend a necklace, we have matching ones. They're literally the only reason I'm still alive right now. I haven't taken mine off since giving it to them. Its been weeks. I love them too much. Some specialists say "one can't truly love another if they hate themselves". That is so fucking incorrect. I love them more than I love anything on this earth, I love them more than I love myself.
I cut myself so much my arms and legs go numb. I always avoid arteries and veins, but right now I'm considering just slitting my throat to make it faster, instead of it being a slow bleed from my wrists. The scars fade after months, years sometimes. But I have mixed feelings about them. They're ugly. I hate how they look and feel, how other people see them. But when they fade, I can't handle the sight of them not being there, of my bare skin. It causes a major relapse, or just a cutting session. I haven't been self harm clean in years, and even then it wasn't willingly.
Nobody I know cares, other than my friend. But we have other friends, they can find someone else, I know they can and will once I'm gone. So to all the people I know, stop pretending to fucking care. Nobody bothers to know who I am, until I kill myself, then suddenly everybody had a class with me.
So finally, can I fucking kill myself now?
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I'm really not sure what to say here except here's a quote that I thought of after reading this:
"'you can't love someone unless you love yourself first'-- bullshit. I have never loved myself. But you-- Oh God, I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like."
also another thing: killing yourself doesn't end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else. your friend. my best friend was going through something similar and had to be hospitalized before she met me. she says that I saved her life in more ways than one. she's so amazing, its hard to believe she cant see it, especially compared to some of the things shes dealt with.
every person i've ever met has shaped me somehow, and I will never forget the ones I left behind. even if you feel insignificant, you're a part of so many people. when I come home from one of my friend's house, my mom told me that my mannerisms and tone are different.
I moved across the country when I was 7. I think of them sometimes and wonder where they are now. Even if it was one of them, if I knew that someone I knew chose to leave where I was, it would haunt me.
don't leave your friend behind. my greatest fear is being left behind. don't make that their reality. please.
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