What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I was very recently discharged from a mental/behavioral hospital for people with mental health and behavior issues. My time there really felt to help me and I also met a guy he understood me and nobody understands why we cared for each other, I barley understand. He made me feel so good about myself and made me forget why I was at a hospital in the first place. I lost all of my problems when he was around. Nobody had to even speak words. We could hold hands in silence trying not to get caught by staff and, at least for me, I felt better. I felt whole. We left on the same day. He left about 45 minutes before me and as soon as he left I felt empty again and I felt abandoned. I know not by choice but it hurt. The last time I saw him or even talked to him was February 2nd 2024. I miss him so much it hurts and nobody understands. I don't want to write to much because I feel nobody will read it all but I cannot help myself. He wrote me so many cute little letters and told me to stay alive for him so he can talk to me when I get my phone back. Which my bad on lying to him I don't have a phone and I was hoping to get one on my birthday so yeah. My bad. He said he would stay out of trouble for me because we made a deal. If I found out he got in trouble for something bad I won't talk to him. I do not want bad influences in my life and I sure as hell cannot love a bad person.If he stayed out of trouble I would continue working on myself. Simple as that. I feel like I need to go to another hospital with that immediate care because when I went last time there was a distraction aka him & that kind of messed up me actually getting better. If i go again I could actually do what I need to. I just cannot go to my parents after only being out of my first hospital for only a month and a half and say I need to go back. I think it would break them. Right now I am in an after care program which is after in-patient and instead of going to school I go to therapy for the whole day except I can go home. Just like school. I am trying to give it all a chance but I feel myself spiraling back to the bottom and I cannot stop myself and I do not know what to do. I don't know what I feel. I don't know how to use my words again to express how I feel. It all is coming hard for me again. This whole thing sucks. I am on medication for anxiety & depression and I have been on it for almost a month & a half. It has done nothing but cause me to get irritated more easily and make me feel like a literal zombie walking through daily tasks which feels like a revolving door going at top speed that I have to sprint and one stop to catch my breath and I will be crushed by the door. I am supposed to be trying new medication soon after my doctor dude talks to my dad about it. I am also scared about that because my dad used to take the same meds that I do and I feel that since it worked for him it has to work for me and I don't feel like it is and I feel like because of that I am failing him in a way and it also feels like I am not trying my hardest and I can be doing more but I physically, emotionally, and mentally cannot push myself any further. Life is punishing me for all of the dumb shit I have done. I hate myself. This is why I wanna die. Making this clear though I don't have a plan it's just a thought that runs through my head a couple times in a day. I hate that one little thing can ruin my day and turn me into a blob of emotions and insecurities. It makes me feel helpless and worthless. My anxiety gets so bad to the point were I get no sleep or all I want to do is sleep and never wake up type of thing. Lately, it has been me wanting to do nothing but sleep and I hate that. I also don't have the energy to fix that. My depression is always there just you know its bad when I barely talk and I always have my head down or I am in bed just staring into the nothingness of my room. I am just letting my parents and whole family down. My grandmother to. What am I even doing anymore? I feel like I am a waste of life just walking around in a haze and barely remembering my days as they pass. My parents deserve a better daughter who does not have my problems. My younger brother deserves a sister to look up to and my older sister deserves a sister who is normal and that she is not ashamed to talk about with her friends and boyfriend. My grandmother deserved a granddaughter who had her life together and did what she needed to do so that she was not grounded every time her grandmother would come over and now I cannot even fix things with my grandmother because she is gone and I will never be able to show her I am sorry for all I have done and I am done just saying I am actually doing. It is unfair. The wrong grandmother died. there is a whole story behind that statement that I will save for another day.I am trying just remember that and as I have been told recovery is not a straight line and you have ups and downs. It is also okay to restart because sometimes that is needed in the process of recovery even with the simpler things in life. I feel so empty and numb at times I just don't understand why my life couldn't have been given to some one who could leave an impact and do good things. Like why am I alive and why am I me? I want answers and sadly I will never know. I always feel less important that others and it really sucks because it is so hard to just be myself around others when I feel like I won't be accepted for myself. My "real " personality would be all over the place and I am scared people will dislike me for that. I am tired and done with everything and to be open and honest just life. Right now nothing can help. Coping skills are there that I have been taught but none seem to help and for that I don't think it is the skills I thinks it is me. I just suck and can never do anything right or even slightly good. No one is going to read this whole thing I bet so this is a waste for me to wait for feedback but I will and if it's good I will respond. That is a promise and I don't break. At least I try not to. I might break the deal I made with that boy because I do not know how much longer I can hold onto this imaginary rope that is millions of feet in the air. I am losing grip and strength. Some one has to come help before I fall and after I fall there is no coming back and there is no helping me. I will update this as days go by on how I feel. One more thing the reason I am writing here is because somebody stole my journal so now I have to wait for some one to return it or for my parents to buy me a new one so yeah. Bets way for me to write. If you read all this thank you for listening and remember, you don't have to understand.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Job stress
Never did I ever think finding my 2nd job after getting laid off would be this difficult. I feel like I am back to 0 when I was finding my 1st job. I feel lost,...
-
I’m exhausted of this feeling
I’m so sick of being stressed out and nervous every day about every little thing it’s exhausting and I can barely get anything done. And it just bundles up...
Its hard sometimes for even for me, sometimes writing it all down feels peaceful for a while , we all desire to be heard, understood and sometimes just heard even if nobody understands even if if we have someone to listen to feels good somewhat because we know even we don't understand ourselves well sometimes its better stop trying to understand and just let go every thing the past the future , the what ifs , and almost everything just let go keep writing till you empty your mind of every thing, write and dont loo back , then write again and dont look back keep writing when nothing more is left to write or say then just lie in peace of nothingness....
Reply:O
ReplyI read the whole thing. I don't have any advice, sorry, I'm also seeking some sort of advice from others. I just wanted to let you know that there are people who will listen to you and that you are important , even if you don't feel it. Although I'm a stranger I still care for you. Your mistakes don't define you, we all make mistakes. You are not failing anyone, you are trying your best. That is all you can do. Eventually, if you keep pushing, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Please keep going and hope this made you feel even a little bit heard.
Reply