What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
Growing up there was always a deep rooted fear in my head from my mom.there was too much favouritism in my house. i was the oldest of three daughters and i was downright terrified of her. as kids every small thing matters and affects us in a lot of ways. somethings were always there like having the smaller piece of meat or saving something for my younger siblings or giving something i really want to them or not getting to choose first among things and though painful it was somewhat understandable. what really made me afraid was the fact that my mom had this crazy notion that i was a slut, whoring around, mind you i was eight then. i developed early, much earlier than most kids and i was a fairly chubby kid and i also starting developing breasts then. so apparantly there was a family friend of ours and like normal kids play i did too. my mom never taught me the concept of good touch bad touch or what sex was or even what period was. so that boy he touched my chest and i didn't know that that was a bad thing and my mom saw that. she took me aside and asked me why he was touching me she never said or specified that she was asking me about never mentioning breasts and nor did i understand that she was asking about that so i said that he wasn't and i got beat up for it without knowing the reason i was getting beaten. getting beat was a normal occurence in our house so i didn't think much of it. after that questions regarding why my breasts are huge and why kids my age don't have them and what i have done to get them so huge were common and a slap or two because i never could provide a reason. i was asked to stay away from any guy and if i so much as breathed near a guy my mom was suspicious. i studied in an all girls school from 5th. basically the school i was in had mixed classes till 5th after which the boys and girls separated in two different buildings till 12th. it was the best school in the country i was in and the only reason i got in was because i studied like crazy. i felt that my mom hates me because i am not enough and i tried to study so hard because i felt like that was the only was she would ever love me. i used to come home and start studying after having lunch till it was time for dinner and holidays were basically study leaves for me. i was the topper of my class always getting placed in the principal honours list and i never missed any year but i could never get her to appreciate me. so i thought that i should study even harder. i was really interested in arts but i let go of it because she didn't approve of it and i read a lot though in secret. i didn't have a lot of friends and i felt like i had to give a lot of myself to have friends, to make them like me and that led to a lot of bad friendships. then i finally did get a few friends in 6th and they were the best people i could have in my life and still are. my mother though was never satisfied and now her questions revolved around if i was having sex, sex in an all girls school. we lived abroad so every summers we came to our native country for holidays and they were another stressful time for me. i had many cousins and my mother thought that i had sex with every single one of them. i remember once all my cousins were sitting and we were talking and she took me to a room and asked why i was sitting provocatively before my cousins , i didn't even know what sitting sitting provocatively meant and i denied it. i was strangled and got a few more slaps but again it was so normal for me that I thought I must have done something wrong. That led me to avoiding so many of my teenage interaction out of fear that I was doing something wrong. I genuinely thought that I was doing something wrong and I had so much shame in myself because I could never answer her questions. Other kid used to love when we had off days in school but I was scared shitless, specially when only I had holidays and my siblings didn’t. I used to get up and start studying avoiding my mother because I felt like anything I did could set her off. And that’s how most of my life went about till I was 12. I got worse from then on. My friends had told me about what periods were and why we had them so I atleast knew what it was but my mom never told me what it was. I got my periods one summer and I got to know when I got home from school and my pants were stained. I started crying because nothing can prepare you for that and my mom came and saw the blood. She didn’t say anything, just told me to shut up and not to let the whole building know by crying, gave me a panty with a pad stuck to it and left. The flow was very light and it lasted for 2 days only and that set her off as she thought that I had sex with someone. I didn’t have my periods again for the next two months and I was so desperate for it that I tried everything possible. I read online that having hot stuff helps you get and I drank boiling water, I ate a whole spoonful of chilli powderi I ate papaya and so much more but it didn’t work. Finally I inserted my finger in my vagina trying to tear myself from inside so I could just bleed and I did it so many times that I couldn’t count but nothing worked. Throughout those two months I was regularly questioned no matter how much I denied it and I kept on hurting myself. I also tried drinking detergent wanting to die but It didn’t work. Then I finally had my periods and I was so so so happy that day. I told her that I had it and she didn’t say anything. It lasted a solid 5 days and I was so happy but it was shortlived. I missed my month again and after 45 days the questions started again. I took a pad, took some red paint and coloured it showing it to her so that I could stop getting asked those questions. But she found out and I got wiper broken on me. Things went even worse after that. For my next period I had haldi(it basically is a spice) cause someone told me that it is very hot and you get periods straight away. I had three spoonfuls of it and I did get my periods after that and I was so happy I actually cried looking at my period blood. Then summers came and we went to our native place. I was still having problems with my periods then. I had them once and then after 15 days we went to our cousins place. Me and and my oldest cousin are very close and he is around a decade older than me. What happened was that he was sleeping and I in my mischief went and tickled him. my mom saw that and she beat me with a steel spoon. But that wasn’t the worst part, the worst part was that I got periods again that evening, I don’t know what caused it but I was scared out of my mind because obviously she was gonna think that I had sex with him. I tried to hide it for an entire day but I finally had to tell her and she was livid, I had so many abuses hurled at me calling me a whore, a slut and whatnot. She promised me that once we go back abroad after the holidays she is gonna hit me like crazy and she did. I was hit by a curtain hanger and she always had something to say whenever she saw me. But it still wasn’t the worst thing she did. After this she suspected that I was pregnant. She made me eat so many papayas in that belief that I developed a hatred for the fruit, the used to ask me to piss in a cut and she used to use baking soda and sugar and I don’t know what to check whatever that she was checking. When all that didn’t work she told my father that she thought that I was pregnant. My father is the sweetest person I know but he loves my mother was too much to see her as wrong. He didn’t believe that I was actually pregnant but he didn’t say much and the next day i was going to the hospital for a pregnancy test, yayyy. My mom throughout the day kept telling me to tell her what I have done but I was so emotionally done that I didn’t speak a word to her. I went to the hospital and outside the hospital she asked me again and I finally said that lets get the test done because I haven’t done anything that she is accusing me of. We ended up not getting the test done and my mom told my dad that she got me checked by a nutritionist. My father was sorry but he didn’t know of what was happening or the depth of what was happening. My mom never beat me in front of my father and these topics of sex or periods and all were never spoken about in front of him. my father though did tell me that he trusted me but I have lost too much trust to actually believe in him. fast forward a few months and my dad had a heart attack and I had to return to my native place for my future studies as I was to enter 9th standard and If my dad lost his job then I would have to waste an year. When I tell you that I was so happy I cant express how much and the only reason was I didn’t have to stay with my mom. Fast forward a few years in which my mom returned and we started living together, things were a lot different now. My mom was still the same but she had turned softer atleast towards my other siblings but I wasn’t, I had actually grown a backbone and I was done with her bullshit so I never let her treat me wrong. Somewhere along the way I thought that we could actually put all of that behind us and try to fix our relationship but it was wishful thinking. She was never sorry for what she did and she actually thinks it was all justified. What broke me is the fact that I never knew that what that guy did to me was wrong, I never knew that I was sexually assaulted that young, I never knew that my own mother actually thought that it was my fault and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Perhaps I am still waiting for my mom to tell me that she loves me, that she is proud of me, that she trusts me but it is never going to be that.it is so so painful that I just want to curl up and cry my heart out. I hate her, I hate her so, so, so much but I just can’t help but want her love, but after this I know that it just isn’t possible. I hate her existance and I just don’t want her in my life.
to anyone who actually read all this, please teach people around you about good and bad touch, about periods, about sex, about period fluctuations, about their rights and what they can do. be a better person and help people and put out the word.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Frustrations
Wtf is wrong with you dad!? Mom's like he swore he wasn't going to get that way. Now he's in there passing out can't sit stay awake passing out yet partially tr...
-
I Need Help
I'm 16 and I realized a few days ago that my parents are triggering my depression. Every time I've self-harmed and both times I attempted were after huge argume...
This sounds like your mother is mental. She is as bad as the mother I had who is now dead and I hate her too. If what you went through keeps playing on your mind it is a good idea for you to see a therapist. This way you will get help to get over it and not let it affect your life.
ReplyI hope you become a better person than her.Be the change you wanna see in the world.But also remember the person who bears that burden of hatred is the one who hates not the one who is hated life is too short don't waste your time and energy hating your mother. I really wish you deal with this as soon as you can and overcome it .Or this will hunt you for the rest of your life trust me I know.
Replyyou are so right. i don't actually hate her, i just have so much pain thinking about her. i hate the version of her that never changes. things were actually getting better then i get to know that i was assaulted as a child and i never knew only because i didn't know that what was happening to me was wrong. knowing that happened to you and having that dumped on you are such different things and i feel so violated. honestly that was the trigger and i just needed to vent
Reply