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I’ve been having these recurring dreams and it’s been making me wake up with just horrible feeling and I haven’t been able to fall asleep. and I’m so sad and tired and it feels bad. And it’s always, well I start in a school place, but it’s also like a mental hospital and maybe a concentration camp. At least, sometimes it is, where I have to run to not go on the train to fire. and in the hospital thing I escape and I have to jump fences and run through the woods. And people in my dream reference the other events in similar dreams. Like someone reminded me yesterday about how I went into this mental hospital that I couldn’t escape and there was my ex and his bones were cracked to fit in this little tub and the hospital was a tall structure with glass where I could see down but I couldn't find an escape. But, last night was a little different but the same world ig. And this is upsetting for me but I saw my ex and he didn’t want to see me and it’s like I chase after him, not literally but he avoids me and then we Yk and things and he says we can be together but it’s not real and he says that he’s not going to bc last time I left a lot when I promised I’m not going. Which actually happened, I left a lot but people were telling me to and it was such a tug of war and I know he’d make me so sad and confused and anxious and I couldn’t trust him. But at the end it felt like he was better and me. And he told everyone I was his girl and he was good but I can’t be sure even now. But we both broke up several times and it’s like neither of us could make up our mind. And I wanted a family and a farm and he didn’t want that. Or maybe he just didn’t want me but he sometimes treated me like a princess and it was the best I’d felt and it was everything but when I wasn’t with him and he was loving on me, I’d still remember everything he’s been doing to me, but when I was with him I couldn’t feel anything but the bliss of him, except when he was bad to me. And I still can’t decipher the truth of any of it and maybe I was just annoying, I was. But anyway. I also got attacked by a husky lol. And idk…. I always escape the other school sort of thing. Which, I’ve had a difficult time being at school I felt trapped and I would leave the school in high school like that and eventually I just dropped out and got my GED praise Jesus.
And well, my beginning school as a young child was rough. And they locked me in because I didn’t want to go in the school and it was a Christian school so the front desk lady, in front of me, told my parents they could go in the office and spank me to make me listen. And eventually my parents had me trapped in the other side of the door and pry my hands out of the crack of the door and the lady locked the door.mind u I was screaming bloody murder the whole time. And every day at school when I went, for a while, I’d just cry, nonstop and the teacher would just say to the other children to just. Not look at me. And for a while id cry that way. But then I’d be silent there but when I came home I’d cry at the table nonstop for maybe thirty minutes I don’t remember what my mother said, and she’s sorry btw, she’s always helped me through everything.
The main reason I reacted that way to being put in that school is because of the experience when they tried to put me in the public school months before. I’d had a fear of men and I was okay until I saw the teacher was a man and I didn’t want to be there anymore and I started crying. And my mother didn’t want to leave me that way so the counselors were trying to talk to me and they were sweet but I was afraid and the principal.. came and he held me up by my wrists where my feet weren’t touching the ground and he said to my mom that they’ve got me and told her to go to work but then I began to shake un controllably and so he set me down and he let this weird nervous laugh out and I was sobbing and my mother was horrified that he did that and she held my hand and walked me out and I didn’t have to go back. But they wanted me to go to this private school that they knew I’d be safe they said and this man came to the car before the day of school, and he looked at me, he was a good man, and he said that I was going to be safe there but the day i had to go he wasn’t there and people acted like I was being stubborn but I was just terrified but after a while when I was better and I had a friend too, he would every morning hold us up to feed the fish.
But I feel like I’ve never fully healed from that and I always have a festering feeling of being trapped and then also I was in a mental hospital which also contributes to these feelings.
And it’s where I don’t know how to heal from these things.
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I am sorry that these things happened to you even though it was hard for me to tell which were dreams and which were real. If you see a therapist you will get the help you need to heal from these things.
ReplyEverything after I say “ which actually happened” is real. After that I just went on a tangent about everything. And I know I need a therapist but it’s like I’m so worried about it like I don’t know how to trust them but do u think it’s the only answer?
ReplyWow, it is confusing to tell which is the dreams. but the last two paragraphs are 100 percent true. And what i said in the other comment except two sentences that refer to the dreams again. Not that it matters so much lol. But yeah.
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