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I just feel completely lost right now and I'm not sure how I feel about my entire life. I'm in college and I'm doing fine, but my understanding of one class is really poor and I'm worried because it's supposed to be what I'm good at and what I'll do for the rest of my life. I'm afraid that I'm just living a lie about what I know and don't know. Everywhere I look online just tells me to work harder, and I feel gross about being a lazy person. I've always gotten good grades and I have good friends and family and I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't feel happy when I'm just trying to relax because I feel guilty for not being better in the ways that matter. That's not entirely true. There are times when I feel happy, like when I'm doing something I planned with my friends, or watching a really good movie, or spending time at home. But when I'm by myself I usually just feel miserable and I don't feel prepared to deal with everything that's coming towards me. I've always felt like I'm on the brink of dropping off with everything. Before college I felt like college was the brink, and now I feel like this summer is the brink. And after that, it will be the upcoming semester. I constantly feel like I'm not ready for anything. I don't know how to drive, I don't work, I'm terrified of doing any of that. I don't want to be told to just do better and work harder because I already torture myself enough for not doing that. I'm not an unhappy person, I think. I just have moments almost every day where I feel like I'm going to die. I would never hurt myself but I still have suicidal thoughts, 'what-ifs', etc. The next day I'll be laughing at why I even felt that way at all but it always comes back. I don't even really want any advice, and I know this isn't an easy read with how jumbled it all is. I just need to scream into the void. I'll read and appreciate anything anyways, of course.
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When I was young people looked forward to driving and working. It was a big deal to own a car and to have a job. When you work you become independent. You bring in a wage and while you still live at home you pay towards your keep. Then it is exciting to leave home and live independently. You feel grown up and ready to be an adult. There is nothing whatsoever to be afraid of. It is something to look forward to because surely you don't want to stay with your parents forever. Do you even know what it is that you are scared of when it comes to driving and working? People are doing these things all of the time and they aren't scared.
Replydriving and working is all part and parcel of growing up! it’s normal to be scared and it’s normal to be hesitant about these sort of things. it’s also normal to struggle in certain subjects. nobody is expecting you to understand every single little thing. don’t go so hard on yourself, it’s okay to ask for help when you aren’t sure. it’s also okay not to be okay. just because you have good days doesn’t mean your bad days need to be played down. your feelings are valid and are important. try surrounding yourself with things that do make your good days good whether it be friends, family, pets, music etc. and when you find them unkind thoughts coming back, take a breath and ignore them. tell them that you do matter and you are important and you do deserve what the world has to give to you, no ‘what if’s’ can take that away from you. i hope your mind gains some peace and strength beautiful. you are strong. you are loved. you can do this❤️.
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