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I feel cute sometimes, other times I don't. I'm pretty enough to not be ugly, but not pretty enough to be given special attention.
I feel smart at school sometimes, other times I don't. My grades are great in some classes and just passing in others. Nothing to be impressed by.
I'm not particularly amazing at anything. I like photography a lot and I know I'm good at it but I don't see a future for myself in it. It's just an occasional hobby. it's not like I can set up a perfect photoshoot any time I want to.
I have an okay social life. It leaves me lonely and feeling like I'm lacking in the human connection department. I love people and I actually love talking to strangers and making new friends but it just seems pointless lately. Like I'm a Junior and I'll be out of high school soon. I'll have to leave any new friends I make too soon.
I've never had a boyfriend. I kinda want one but I also kinda don't. Boys can be mean and I know I can't handle that right now. I think I just want someone to rely on. Not necessarily a romantic relationship, maybe just a really good friend.
I get up, I go to school, I go to 7th period and hope that boy talks to me (he's very fun to talk to. Again, do I like him as a boyfriend, or as a really good friend? I don't know), then I get home and wonder what to do before I fall asleep, unsatisfied, at like 2 am. I sleep late because I don't like going to sleep sad. I try to stay awake until the sadness goes away but it doesn't. I just get sad and tired. It's midnight now.
I love music, but it doesn't fix anything. It just puts bandaids all over my mind to hold me together for a few more hours. I want to really feel better. I don't really feel anything lately. Everything is boring and bland. There's nothing worth waking up for. I want to do things but there's just nothing to do. I want to cry, I want to feel something, but there's nothing to make me feel.
There's nothing to make me feel.
I constantly listen to discussion videos or podcasts when I'm home just to hear other people's voices and feel like I'm not alone. It's gotten to the point that whenever I can't listen to them It's like I go through withdrawal. Sometimes I don't sleep because I'm too scared to stop listening to them. Then I'll have to face the lonely silence of my empty room.
I don't like reading. It doesn't entertain me for very long. I don't watch movies. They don't interest me. nothing interests me. Everything is just so boring and feels so pointless.
I just want to disappear until something worth my time happens. I want to live life but life isn't happening. I want to live life so badly. I want to experience things. I want to feel things. I want to really feel. Deeply. I want a fulfilling life.
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I’ve never felt so worthless in all my life. Something so below the line of sanity and standards I’ve never been able to reach. I’ve never felt so lonely...
“I love music, but it doesn't fix anything. It just puts bandaids all over my mind to hold me together for a few more hours.”
Wow, this really speaks to me. Movies, tv and books too. Even going outside for fresh air, it all seems like a temporary distraction so I won’t think about the big emptiness for a while.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can’t even offer any helpful suggestions because I’m stuck here too. If you want to talk I’m here.
ReplyI'm 18 and some of the things you say remind me of myself. I'm pretty average in basically everything and even tho people say I'm supposedly good at writing, I don't feel I'm as good when I see other people's work. I'll tell u what helped me. 1. Looking at myself in the mirror and making me compliment myself even when I don't feel like it. 2. Journalling helped a lot. 3. Following people who seem more natural. 4. Trying to do something, simply because it's fun not because you want to try to be your best. 5. Post pictures of your photography, take that risk. I'm sure it'll be great.
I hope this helps !
ReplyThere are a lot of volunteer opportunities if you search for them online, volunteer opportunities local to wherever you live that in my humble opinion will help you feel productive. Hopefully you consider this, since I am sure your youth and energy would be welcome. Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
Mary, Mother of Christ, intercede for us with your prayers, now, and always.
And after our worst deeds - never forget God forgives us when we repent through Christ Jesus.
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