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i feel sad that even tho ive made so much progress, life still feels so shitty, bland, and dismal. look. i mean, im going to school for nursing. i dorm so i dont have to commute and yea even tho i dont drive at least i agreed to a living arrangement that i was initially terrified of -- just so that i could force myself into a sure connection. how could i mess that up, right?
im a responsible student. i try my best to do well in every class i take. i study as often as i need to. and i got a job. i mean jeez. i cant believe i got a job. thats still insane to me and everyday i choose to go to work is me standing firmly against my anxiety, dont u see that? i have an interview for an internship i applied to for the summer. this is huge.
ik u never hear any of this from me. ik u dont understand me. and im sry we dont have the best relationship. i wish u could see how difficult this has been. i wish u couldve heard the hurt. every night that i cried in my bedroom wishing for some miracle that maybe.. just maybe u or anyone else for that matter wouldnt have to wake up to another day of my bullshit. i wish u knew that this isnt the life i wanted for myself, days holed up at home staring at the walls. and as much as it may seem like im not doing anything to move forward, i have been.
i dont have friends. im still scared of driving. and that combination together makes it extremely hard to be the "normal" daughter u thought u were gonna get when u and mom had me. im sorry that somewhere along the way, i turned into this thing u cant even recognize. or that u cant even begin to fathom. i knew the min u gave me an ultimatum that u would never be satisfied w any effort i made. i thought for a second that u were proud of me when i finally got a job and i think u were but that pride was short-lived. i was a fool to think that would last. im sorry that me trying still isnt good enough for u. im even more sorry that i even have to "try" to be normal.
i was doing well. i thought i was at least. its nights like these that if god granted us all a single wish, id just hope that u got daughters who were "normal" enough not to disappoint u. cuz thats the dream isnt it
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