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Currently I am going through a quite hard period in life (in fact it goes 2 years already). My grandfather is very sick and it happened that the entire family is somehow trying to get help and I understand full well that the cups people inside the family cycle are full, but I feel how depressed my family is and especcially my mom (whose beloved dad is in that condition) and just for information he acts quite ungrateful towards her although she talks with doctors and manages communiation with health part, I took the reposnibility of managing my grandparents houshold needs. Anyway, she (my mom) who considers any attempt to talk with her is met with aggression. I don't know should I talk to her about it if I know why it is, but at the same time I am not feeling comfortable being treated like I am. If I suggest to do something for her, she is like: "I am not disabled, if I want, I can do it myself". I answered that: "I suggested it not because I think you are disabled, but because I love you." She is like "No. I don't want it". She keeps the attention on what I tell her for max 20 seconds, than she is disinterested and retuns to her phone. I am 30yo, not a teen, if that is important and what conserns me is that unless addressed she might consider this type of communication ok even outside of the situation and that is not just with me but in general. I want an advice should I leave it as it is and hope that things will resolve themselves or should I talk about it with her by putting more on her plate of things to be conserned about and maybe get yelled at.
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She is going through a lot of stress right now, and sometimes (unfortunately) because of this, people get snippy at the people they love most. She's not thinking clearly right now because of that stress. Maybe she needs a break. Would she be open to going to supper with you? Or doing something else to get away for a little while?
One thing I'm also thinking of is home care respite. I'm speaking from the US, I'm not sure how other countries do this. It gets overwhelming to care for a loved one full time. To assist, there are organizations called home care that caregivers can come and help with anything you need related to hands on care, cleaning, transportation, shopping. They also provide respite care so you and your mom can get out and do the things you need or want to do, and your grandfather will be well cared for.
I used to work for an organization like this. I would be with the husband for a few hours, and the wife got to go out for a few hours to what she needed or wanted to do. Hopefully this is an option where you live.
ReplyHello, thank you so much for your answer. The problem is that my grandfather because of his condition became very cranky about people he doesn't know enter his home and he verbally abuses people who love him who try to do anything for their own self-care or convinience. Including being rude when even cleaning services is called to help my grandma to manage home. My grandma is a sweet person, very kind and very soft, so my mom takes the role of the savior when it comes to putting my grandpa into some bounderies. I understand how hard it is for her. As for me, I found the approach of validating him and than making him do small sacrafices in his position to get him to the point where I need him to be much more effective, but this is difference in the characters of me and my mom. She was always very supportive towards me by actions, but when the solution of the problem requires making a longer road instead of the short and direct one, she has problems with that. Besides, her zone of responsibility (aka medical part) doesn't forgive going astray (I mean, despite all of the side effects of the meds he takes, he has to take those to avoid worse consequances), mine is easier because I can give him time to adjust to the things that should be done. In the reality it is not that important when the cleaning service will come: today or tomorrow. Sooner is better, but the date does not really matter. Not to blame my mom in any way, but when I think about it, by validating his feelings about not wanting to take meds because of the side effects but directing his attention to the reasons why he needs to take those meds, could be better solution, but it is longer and it takes to have this conversation time after time. She gets frustrated about it. This is not to blame her, this is just the way she is. She is direct person who is the fastest to find solution of the problem and I respect that in her, but this makes her a very hard person to get verbal support from or talk about feelings. Anyway, I apoligize for digressing so much. We have those services in my country too, but unfortunately only in facility, they don't come to homes and he (and what is worse, his wife (my grandma) and even my mom) things this is a way to get rid of him while he "needs his family around", which is not true ofc. About the supper or something with mom, she sees it as another responsibility on her plate (very frequantly we were planning to go out together, but in the evening when we planned she said she doesn't want to leave home). I feel like she wants to dissociate from us all and when she has free time, she just plays video games and I feel like she sees even me as another commitment.
ReplyThank you for sharing your story. It's a hard situation, and it's hard to have all these things happening with the people we love most. You're doing a great job, and all of your efforts aren't going unnoticed :)
ReplyThank you so much! Talking about the situation did make me feel much better. A little bit more seen. I hope you have an amazing day 🥰🥰🥰
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