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I'm finally out of 7th period heading to my favorite class of the day, band. As i head down the long hall to the small hallway wear the band doors sit, I pass by the big windows. Exposing the beautiful field. Green grass and sunshine blazing threw the glass. I could sit by the window all day and watch the sun go down if I could. The doors at the end of the first set of windows suddenly open and two boys a few feet apart slide threw. My eyes immediately go to the one I almost run into. I didn't expect it to be them. I can't even tell you what the other boy looked like seeing as my eyes only caught the one i so oftenly glimpse at across my math table. They didn't notice me I think. I wonder if they ever will. That's not what I should be worried about though, I still have to go to the other side of the school. As I pass by the second set of big open windows my hair shines. As if sparks of gold in a sea of chocolate. I wish i could stay for longer. Maybe next time. You'll actually run into me. Maybe our eyes will finally meet and not it be just us. 10 feet apart.
I trudge through the band doors as i'm still trying to focus on what's important. Sense we have a concert coming up I don't want anything to go wrong. This weekend i need to stay in motion and always focused. I pick up my arm killing case and head towards the end of the open, sunshine filled band room. I come towards the fire escape doors and lay my sax down. I feel it's a privilege being the only tenor sax in my school. I know brennett technically counts as one, but he's lazy and I could't care less so he's out of the question. I unzip my case and stare at my a little too flashy black metal sax covered in gold engravings and pull the wand out from the inside of it. As I am putting this huge annoying but beautiful instrument together sarah is playing another one of her fast paced and impressive clarinet pieces. She comes to help teach the band some days because of how hard some of us don't want to try aka Terence (mostly). Or some of us just have a hard time learning in general. I finally have my reed in my mouth and sax strap around my neck. I head over to my always changing seat, struggling to walk five feet because of my heavy sax and numerous pieces of music in my hands. As i set up my music i see Mina has come and ofcourse Clare is already here. After a few minutes my band teacher appears out of nowhere, the bell rings and finally jack, the last one to come in, is here. He's ranting to Ms.Dillion about how he once again has forgotten his Alto. One time Ms.Sina told us that even when jacks instrument is dying on the inside he still holds the band together. I don't think so. I kinda feel bad for him though, just because he has to practice guitar, piano, and alto, and do soccer practice after school. Pretty sure he's failing. He finally shuts up and crashes into a seat next to one of the clarinets in front of me. I get ready to play our warm-up as Ms.Sina grabs her weird orchestra wand. Yet again another day of getting yelled at for stuff that's not my fault, and wasting my playing time to lecture other kids about their personal problems.
Today wasn't so bad. We got told that we were getting better but also that we weren't in tune, this is why we couldn't play Midnight Mission, and that we needed to practice at home because we desperately needed it. You might be surprised but that was one of our better days. The words that have been said in that band room has at times left me crying in my bed to heaven. I will admit. Sometimes we get yelled at for not listening, but I am. We get yelled at for bad posture but after class my neck and back hurt from the nonstop straight posture and on the edge of the seat look i hold. We get yelled at for not being on time but i am constantly taping my foot to the bpm and constantly using my ears to hear where everyone is. Whenever Lana or Jack get off track they always look to me to get back on the music. Ms.Sina doesn't even put me in the "saxophone category". She will just tell the "saxs" to play and yell at me for not knowing that I don't count apparently. I am still thinking about this as I am heading to my locker. I finally realize that my arm has started going a little numb from not switching hands during the long walk through the corridors. I haven't been bringing my sax home as much as i did in september because of the simple need not to. I don't believe you need to be practicing every second of your life to be amazing. Ten minutes is enough whether you know what i mean or not. I quickly pack my bag. As i shrug my light and easy feeling bag onto my tense shoulders i once again notice that the hallways are more than bare at this point. Having to walk halfway across the school with a more than 10 pound case is sometimes too easily embarrassing.
Sometimes i get mad at my music y'know? People tell me to play with my diaphragm more than my mouth but how can you not play with your mouth? They tell me that i need to play like i believe in myself but what can that even mean? and how do i not believe in myself and my music after almost 2 years of playing and getting better each day? They tell me to be louder and fuller, then when i try, they just tell me again. I dont understand music and i don't understand how anyone ever has. It's sounds and motions my ears pick up and my heart carries out and above. It's a language I don't always love and a piece of art I cannot recreate. No matter how much I try and understand it, and try to think of my instrument as a part of me, a living thing. I cannot picture it. Everytime I try to write a peice of music, it never sounds good. Everytime i try to want to do it, i don't. I don't understand music, and I don't think I ever will. It feels more like a job then a hobby. And I don't know how to change that. So why can't I just give up on music? I don't know that either. It might be because of my dad, or my self expectation, or my laziness, or my grandma, or my hope. But I know i won't just stop. But I dont exactly know why I won't.
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