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i feel hopeless. i'm overwhelmed with heavy thoughts of suicide and fear that i can't seem to place what it is from. i don't want to live anymore, i can't live with myself and the things i've done. within a few days all of my interest have began to bore me and i want nothing more but to be alone. i'm living in constant fear and stress at home with poor relationships between and with my parents. i say one thing to my mom and she snaps, yelling at me and saying nasty things. i don't socialize and i haven't in a while, i'm scared of being rejected and feeling unwanted by others. i almost never leave the house considering i can't drive, i'm too young for most jobs and the ones i've applied to i haven't heard back from. i don't go to school in person anymore, but i do online, which makes it harder to leave and focus because of the negativity in the house. since covid, i drowned myself in the online world and relied on the internet to make friends. i should really say "friends." the ones i would make always ended up hurting me in some way, or claim that i hurt them. i don't have real in person friends ever since i left school. i'm back to feeling like i want to give up. i feel like i have nothing to live for. i'm constantly reminded of negative things i've done or that have been caused by others, leaving me to feel hopeless, like my only escape is to disappear. i'm always thinking of ways to open up to my parents without angering them (i don't want to resort to informing them about anything to do with mental health again). they both know i have mental health issues, have/am dealing with self harm, etc. they have helped me go through a few different therapists and medication, but still after a few years nothing has solidly helped or changed. the self harm topic was brung up once or twice almost a year ago, but more has happened since then, (~4 months ago) and my biggest current fear is telling them. i'm not sure what to do or who to tell about any of this. i want it to be over.
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You are not alone, I feel the same. Life is strange and never easy but we can't give up. Talk about your thoughts to someone you trust (maybe someone other than your parents). I think opening up helps relieve some of the pressure. Once again you are not alone and you matter.
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ReplyIt will be hard, but opening up will help you get the support from your family that you need right now. Don’t continue to deprive yourself of that. As a mom I pray my daughter and son could come to me whenever they feel this way. Praying for you tonight and always ❤️
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