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mom has cancer and every;thing has changed and im honestly struggling so bad on idk what which is so embarrassing to say because im not the one who has it worst. its been 10 months. a lot of the time i think about dying but its definitely not suicidal thoughts. i still want to live as long as my family is alive, but i cant help but think about the end. this is pathetic i feel pathetic i cant do anything. all i want and can do is sleep. whats also really frustrating is that i cant focus when i want to. here i am when im supposed to be studying for a math comp. family doesnt know how much ive slacked off. i wish i had someone i could trust to talk to. school counsellor is busy and mostly deals with academic stuff. i dont think they really want to hear me talking when they have a few hundred other students to deal with. ive tried to pick back up my old habit of journalling but i still feel like its all bottled up. i have like 3 friends whom i honestly dont trust with my feelings. best way to describe how im feeling is emotionally heavy. does anyone relate to the feeling of being tired but not knowing what about? or am i an asshole. talk some sense into me.
my room is a mess and ii dddoooooooont knooooooooooow what is wrong with me i tried to fix my sleep schedule but im still tired nnndd i may or may not have low blood sugar but whatever i just want to stop feeling so crappy i want sleep and i want to see mom i miss her a lot and i feel like everyione in my family has improved in some aspect although still hurt the same but this hurt didnt fuel me as much as i thought it would, like to just be more responsible overall and do even better inschool im so proud of dad like he can cook now and i notice how much more he cares? about me as well when he came back. i feel proud and bad for my brother. he has so many things to shoulder. and hes doing it all like its no problem at all. we have like a 15 year age gapbut i feel like i should be doing it like him by now what am i even stressed about why did i go down like this how can i focus and get things done ive been struggling with this since birth ive tried all the focus methods and it wont wwwwwwwwwwwwww
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It's not bratty or selfish to feel this way. A lot's changed and the future is uncertain. But you are not alone. You think everyone's doing good with it? They're all on the edge of breaking just like you, and they are trying so hard to hide it. Maybe they're doing a good job of hiding it. You're dad's learning to cook that food because he has no other choice. He can sit there and stare at the wall thinking about every worst case scenario, or he can make dinner. People deal in different ways, and the older you get, the better you become at masking the struggle. But you should know when to share the burden. Talk to your dad and brother about it. Cry. And just feel it. if you don't trust your friends, don't share it with them. I've been there with friends too. Truth is they aren't really friends. I'm sorry things are hard now. And I hope they get better soon. But all you can do right now is keep going.
ReplyHey your feelings are completely valid. If I found out my mom has cancer I'd be an absolute wreck. It's all extremely scary and it's a huge change. I'm sure you're very worried about your mom and struggling to deal with this change and that's okay. Let yourself feel , just find outlets like perhaps journalling or ranting here. I had an uncle who had cancer and he was able to recover via surgery and through a homeopathic. If you want y'all could give a homeopathic a try , it worked for my uncle:)
ReplyDon’t be so harsh on yourself sweetheart
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