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I am writing this raw, no format, no ending. I just wanted to put my thoughts out of here sadly because I feel bad of always being the friend that always goes through a lot. This might be the only outlet I have without any preconceived judgement and only the only platform where I can fully be myself.
I am writing because I realized that its not normal to continuously think of breaking up with someone, like I am mentally over my partner. The hurt and pain is there but if the worst comes, I wouldn't be as surprised. I love him, but I fear him. Fear is a strong driver in my current relationship. Like I can't make a mistake. We are at a sensitive time, and I don't know how to word out my thoughts properly. He is going through something incredibly painful and I have been his main source of emotional stability and strength.
However, I snapped. I know, I acknowledge my fault. I'm not asking that you side with me, I just wanted to have an outlet of my frustrations. I honestly am emotionally drained from everything that has happened, and it all piled up because he kept making side comments and passive aggressive statements towards me when things don't go in his favor. During what he's going through, I am being more understanding however I'm human too. I have limits.
The issue is every time I voice something out, it comes back to me. He will always have something to nitpick and when the argument progresses he will make me feel bad and then... you know the usual things couples deal with. There will always be a ball of frustration that I feel towards him. This anger, fear, frustration, but it always disappears when we talk.
I am at a point where I would be completely lost without him. But knowing how he is, he would pick up his feet and do better. But I would feel time has frozen if I lose him. But I sometimes imagine us breaking up, or the thought keeps coming up. Is that normal? With him I am happy, I feel love and attended to but at the same time it's like I am in a leash and I feel suffocated.
Like I miss being single. But I don't have a lot of social circles, I have been isolated. I believe that I am just rambling on. How do I pick myself back up when even the thought of losing someone I love gives me so much pain. I feel like I am being punished for making a mistake then when he rewards me with his presence and attention and I feel like a dog wagging my tail. I have to be mentally strong. It's not pride, it's more of I have to stand up for myself and say I am not under in this relationship. I feel so suffocated about everything I don't know what to do with myself.
I feel like i am being emotionally manipulated and conditioned by him. I've been reading a lot. I feel so vunreable but, when things go south and he decides to break up with me, I wouldnt be as shocked. I go numb and its weird because I want to keep coming back to him. I hope I find happiness away from him. I hope I put myself back out there, with or without him. And do things for myself. For once I want to breathe, and maybe a cigarette.
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Romantic love is beautiful yet oh so fragile, and sometimes can be quite conditional, especially once the honeymoon phase is over. All I can say is that in my humble experience, the grass is not greener on the other side. And it takes a lot of time invested for 2 new lovers to truly earn each other's love, trust and respect. Is it normal for you to be mentally preparing for a breakup? Yes, it's self-defense mechanism. However, without the "clock" ticking against him, you will probably become anxious and do him the favor, since he's in no rush to resolve things. All this might be avoided if you can put pressure on him to move this relationship to the next level. If he really loves he'll marry you, otherwise you're a smart woman who will eventually be found by someone who will love you that much. Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
Mary, Mother of Christ, intercede for us with your prayers, now, and always.
And after our worst deeds - never forget God forgives us when we repent through Christ Jesus.
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