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I don't know what went wrong. I just know that when I was little, I smiled everyday, I was really okay. Whatever happened it wouldn't affect me. I wouldn't get sad or anything.
Some days I feel like I don't want to be here but some others I love being here. Some days are not easy tho. I sometimes feel like I want to die.I feel unimportant, weak , pathetic, everything. I don't cry anymore. Not Infront of others. Never. I only smile and when they notice something's off I just say oh I'm okay but you don't understand the voices in my head are like what if you tell them would they really like really care? Would it matter? You wouldn't feel better. Even if they could make you feel better you'd get attached and then they'd just leave. And you'd be alone with your shitty self again.
I tried sh (not cutting) because I thought it would help. Not real deep scars , small ones just bc I wanted to know what it'd feel like. And now I'm like why not the scars are not deep enough to be harmful.
I feel alone. I get so angry over little things. I hurt people I love. Then I just hate myself more. I don't even care about succeeding like doing well on important exams sometimes or at anything cause I'm like I'm still fucked. And I'm only 15. People say you have zero problems ,you're just a kid, you're being ridiculous and no I can't open up even at those who care. I feel weak. I feel like they can't help me. And if they can, that I don't deserve it. And some people pray to have what I have. Some are sick, have no food or home, no parents. I have all of these.
Still some days I feel like that.
And worse.
I just want to be happy
Sometimes
Anxiety is another chapter. I avoid crowds. I dig my nails at my hand when I talk to people, I find it hard to ask smn for anything, I'm scared of them getting angry for no reason no trauma or anything. I walk away. I make a fool of myself. I feel like nobody likes me. Think that they're thinking I'm the worst when I'm talking to them . Idk there are lot of things I don't remember and I can't explain. But bc of anxiety I have not much friends , can't talk for myself and a lot more.
Idk if that's anxiety or idk.
That's all.
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This looks like you are going through a phase and you will change as you age so don't worry about it. Social media is blamed for anxiety and stress so keep away from it as much as possible for a few weeks and see how you feel then.
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