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don't even know what to do with myself anymore. (kind of a braindump x ramble.)
3 weeks ago · 0 · feeling alone, +2
60
i feel so unheard.
i genuinely have started to question why i even exist anymore, to be honest.
i am so deeply unhappy. i don't have any real friends outside of my relationship or family life, and it's destroying me. for reference, i (24) live with my mother (52), my boyfriend (39), and my son (4).
no one in my household ever takes a moment to stop and check on me. NEARLY EVERYTHING I SAY IS INTERRUPTED (OFTEN MULTIPLE TIMES BEFORE I CAN FINISH) OR IGNORED ENTIRELY. i am talked over, ignored, or rejected from a conversation no matter what i say about 96% of the time -- i REALLY wish that was an exaggeration, but please, just take my word for it.
it's just clear to me that my happiness and my voice don't matter here. i don't know what to do.
my boyfriend spends 8+ hours on his phone DAILY, sometimes reaching 9, 10, and even an astounding 11 hours and 11 minutes as his record for most amount of time spent on his phone in a single day within the past two months. plays cod and other stupid games (one is like candy crush... so lame). he spends very little time socializing but all of his friends are the ones i'm dragged along to hang out with sometimes. it almost feels like he's DEVOTED to interrupting every last thing that leaves my lips WITHOUT FAIL -- AND, to make matters worse, doesn't acknowledge anything i've said and will dismiss me when i ask, just to proceed with whatever was so important than what i had to say.
immediately after he and i *did the deed* today -- i considered it to be one of the only times that "love" has ever been associated with that particular thing, mind you -- and i repeated "i love you so much" over and over in between peppering his face, neck, and chest with kisses, laid there for a moment after i caught my breath while i shifted to lay beside him with my head on his chest, and glanced down to find his phone already in his hand... he never really does anything important on his phone, which is why it's so hurtful. that, and i've come to know him as being a surprisingly and very passionate, hopeless romantic so to speak.
never told me he loved me, too, in the minutes it took for me to remember how to breathe; never showed me any affection after-the-fact other than his arm around me while he bs'ed on his phone, and didn't say anything to me. spent 3+ hours in the same spot.
my mother cares, but only to an extent. she has the same problem with her phone, and a lot of time is consumed by my almost five-year-old.
i just feel like running away without telling anyone because having no one would feel so much better than this right now. i don't know how to talk to anyone in my house about the way i feel, and don't feel like it would be anything but a waste of breath anyway.
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