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So many titles would have fit here; I had trouble choosing one. "Becoming a Man" seemed fitting at first, until I realized the sexual vibe it may project.
In short, I'm a middle aged married man with children and I think it's well past time for me to step up the plate to create and/or enforce rules around here. Now that I've summarized what this post is about, you can continue reading if you feel you could offer advice and or assistance. I'm really interested in hearing what it's like from both sides of the fence (husband and wife) so feel free to provide feedback.
I can't chart this out exactly, but my best guess is that my issue stems from my scary childhood. When I was growing up, my father was a smoker and social drinker. In time, however, he became an alcoholic and an abuser of drugs. That, alone, should give you some inclination of what my tweens and teenage years were like.
When I got old enough be out in the world on my own, I vowed to be everything my father wasn't and nothing that he was. I suppose that panned out for me as I am, in most every possible way, the exact opposite of the guy.
When my first child was still in the womb, I knew she would NEVER have to deal with any of the trauma I dealt with growing up. I would always provide and care for her. We would always have utilities, clothes, personal care, and a whole lot of love under our roof. We would do fun things, OFTEN, and we would take vacation each year.
Many, many years have passed since then. Our family is far larger. One child is out paving her own path, one is nearing the door, one has a year or so left here, and the youngest hasn't quite hit double digits in age so she'll be around a good while longer.
A trait of mine is this - I avoid drama and/or confrontation at all cost and, for this reason, I suppose I'm not "the man" of the house. And, after all these years, I find myself getting really tired of dealing with much of the nonsense that happens around here. I think the others cause the nonsense directly, but I have, indirectly, allowed it to happen and have programmed them to know they can just get away with this "stuff".
To focus on a few specifics, I believe we have to look at the children individually.
The oldest one under our roof, for example, will be graduating school soon but, at her age, seems quite unable to keep her room clean. We have this running joke about me having "OCD" but I'm not diagnosed with this and I feel for those that actually have it. Rather, I just prefer things to be clean and organized. It's easy for me to partake in an activity and, when it's over, to pick up the mess and put things away. Maybe more importantly, I put things back where they belong. I thing every "thing" in our house has a "home" so I'll know where that "thing" is the next time I need to put my hands on it. I digress. I understand there is a stereotype around teens having messy rooms and, to an extent, I get that. I don't think, honestly, I'm expecting her room to be spotless all the time or, maybe even, ever at all. But it would be difficult for me to explain in words here just how nasty this bedroom gets. In all honesty, there have been times where we've had to tell her to clean because a smell was coming from her room (she keeps her bedroom door closed 99.9% of the time) out into the common areas. Dirty laundry? Everywhere. It's as if she undresses for a shower, to get out of school clothes and into work clothes, or to get into bed and simply lets the clothes rest where they fall. Trash? Everywhere. She has a small garbage can in her bathroom (she has the second master so has her own walking closet and bath area) but it fills up and she then piles garbage on top of that until it builds a little mountain of garbage around it. At some point, she gives up, I suppose, and the garbage hits the ground just like her clothes do. Dishes? Everywhere. It's nothing for her to finally clean her room (because we told her to) and find that she's returning plates, silverware, and drinking glasses out to be washed and, of course, those are covered in "stuff" that makes you just want to throw the items away as opposed to having them washed. And her bathroom looks much like a science experiment to the extent that I'm sometimes thinking it could actually be dangerous to breath in there. As her hair falls out during a shower, she simply smacks it to the shower wall so it can live with the rest of her old hairs. Splotches of product and hair color are everywhere but nearly covered completely by the growth of mold and mildew. It's almost like a water color painting by an infant. Again, I understand teens will have messy rooms and I would be OK to live with that but she honestly takes it to another level.
The middle one still under our roof, I can say, is like an angel. She has good grades, she doesn't bother anyone, and she keeps her room cleaner that I would hope for someone her age. I just can't really file a complaint on this one, thank goodness, and commend her for being so good about all of this.
The youngest here, though, is a combination of all the things you don't want to deal with in a child. You hear people complain about their children not wanting to "do this" or "do that". This one, so as to not be outdone, takes the cake by not wanting to do any of "the things". She's as messy as the first child I described here. Dirty laundry EVERYWHERE. Trash EVERYWHERE. Toys EVERYWHERE. This one is a more serious situation, however, because her mess spills out of her bedroom, shows face as a trail of debris through the common areas, lives in my bedroom, and trails off into my bathroom. This is because she does most things (bath, teeth, hair, etc.) in my area. Outside of the cleanliness for this one, she absolutely doesn't want to do anything that actually needs to be done - bathing (NOPE), getting ready for school (NOPE), homework (NOPE), chores (NOPE), etc. It's a battle to get her to do anything around here. Homework could be done in 20 minutes but she wants to wine and cry about it for 40 minutes first.
Each time I deal with one of these issues, it's like it eats away at me just a little bit but now, after all these years, I'm just done with it all and I know now I have to deal with this.
To better understand our dynamics, I can assure you that we have a loving home. We have a nice home in a nice neighborhood, we drive nice vehicles, we have nice things, the kids have everything they need and most of what they want. We take vacation each year and, between those, we regularly do fun things with them - nature walks, park, movies, etc.
The fix seems simple, I know - tell the kids to clean up their messes and make them actually do it. It's so easy for me to write that out but so hard for me to put it into practice.
There are a few reasons for this. First, as I mentioned earlier, I have (likely because of what I dealt with growing up with my father) anxiety over confrontation. In my heart, it feels like if I drop the hammer here and remind them "who's boss", it'll be like "I'm the mean dad". But I know too many families (family members, friends, and coworkers) where I've observed that the father chimes in, when needed, and everything settles down for them. It's like they just know - "Dad said to stop the bickering so we better cool it because we don't want to piss that guy off." And while that sounds harsh, he wasn't screaming or yelling at them, he didn't threaten them in any way, and they always seem to be happy so they clearly have love under their roof just as we do here. I need to be that guy. I need to learn to have this power. But, again, there are reasons for this. Now that I've hashed through the first of the two, I can tell you about the second. My wife also had a rough childhood. But that, I can assure you, isn't causing her to not want to keep them in line. My wife's issue, which I think surely makes all of this worse, is that she makes false "threats", if you will, but the kids know she's not actually going to follow through. She bickers back and forth with the youngest to the point you would think they were squabbling sisters as opposed to mother and daughter. She tells the youngest to get in the tub. The youngest, staring at a tablet, says "Ok". Twenty minutes go by. My wife notices the youngest is still not in the tub. She sends the command again, this time much louder. The youngest wines a bit, "I don't want to get a bath right now." This back and forth and back and forth and, all the while, each of them is getting louder with the other. My wife has finally had enough so she jumps to, "You're going to get a spanking" or "You'll be grounded if you don't get up right now and get in that tub!". The youngest continues to bicker because she is well aware that she's not actually going to get a spanking, or grounded, or receive any other form of discipline my wife threatens her with. Instead, they will just yell at one another for a good fifteen to twenty minutes before the youngest, now crying as if we've beaten her, drags herself to the tub. Dido for dinner, homework, etc. And while I'm not on top of the children for not doing their "things", I will absolutely not allow one of them to treat their mother with disrespect, especially over such a simple request. I get loud to make it all stop and provide direction for next steps and then my wife gets upset with me for getting involved or for being too rude. And so, for these two reasons, the cycle continues.
But now I've decided this all has to stop. I have to step up and be "the man" of the house to create order around here.
For the oldest, I'm starting TODAY by giving her instruction for cleaning and, to do this, I'm making her know that she absolutely has to get this done, that I will be checking her work, and that she has to stay on top of these things. For starters, I'm only asking her to pick up all the trash - empty the trash can, pick up the trash on the floor, etc. Get ALL OF IT out to the big can outside. TOMORROW, I'll tell her the same about the laundry. Get ALL OF IT off the floor and into the clothes hamper, wash what needs to be washed, fold what needs to be folded, etc. On the following day, I'll pick the next most offensive thing wrong with her area.
For the youngest, I'm going to have to shift tactics but, so far, I implemented a chore calendar. She typically gets a small item each time we go to town but I've asked my wife to cut that out. Moving forward, I want this one to earn chore money for helping out around the house. I am teaching her about money management (we have a small kit for this designed for children her age) and we are paying her to complete the chores. I wasn't going to make her do the chores because, the idea was that she would want the money badly enough that she would just do them. I've done the chores, I've earned this money, now I'm going to spend on something I want from town. Seemed like a no brainer to me. We got off to a great start. None of the chores we've assigned are too complex or time consuming for someone her age. In fact, some of them are likely too easy and shouldn't be there but we wanted to get her off on the right foot here. We were off to a great start but her enthusiasm faded away and now she has no interest in doing the chores. I explained that if she chose not to do some of the chores, she wouldn't get paid for those. She understood and carried on without a care in the world. In doing these chores, you see, we would see most (if not all) of her messes disappear as she would be picking up items she tends to leave in other areas of the house (laundry, toys, trash, etc.). I had assumed this would pan out and that, after giving her some time to get used to the new routine and get a little money under her belt, I could then move on to correcting other things - like doing things when your told to do them as opposed to fighting us on these things for a half hour. But, again, the chore calendar has fizzled out. She's not earning money, she's not able to buy things in town, we aren't buying her things, and she doesn't seem to be bothered by any of this. At this point, I feel I'm going to have to step up and tell her that the chores are no longer optional. She will have to do them each day, as assigned, but she will still get paid. In the same breath, I'm going to have to tell her that she has to start minding us (though she doesn't treat me with disrespect like she does her mother).
I understand, as well, that I have to explain all of this to my wife and that she will absolutely need to back me up on these changes and join the cause.
It seems silly for a grown man to be typing into the wind about getting the children to do their chores and mind. But, this is the bridge I find myself needing to cross.
If any of you fathers out there have any input here, I sure would be appreciative for any advice you can provide. For the mothers out there, I honestly would like to hear your take on all of this too. For you homes, is it generally known that the father is going to keep things in order? Should that be the case, you're ok with that?
I understand every situation will be different and, in the end, families have to do what works for them, even if that's living by a different approach than others you may know. Having said that, I'm not trying to step on any toes by saying that, generally speaking, I just feel like the father is typically the one who keeps order and I feel silly for failing in this regard to, gulp, a bunch of children. Sigh.
I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I know others here are writing out situations that deserve more attention but I really feel the need to write this in hopes of getting input as I am trying to make this change for my family and, honestly, just feel uncertain about it all.
Thanks!
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ReplyI am a single mother and I have raised four kids with none of these problems going on. Your kids have been allowed to take it easy for far too long and their mother is too soft on them. You can change things by raising your manly voice, being harsh, and threatening them and actually telling them that you will follow the threats with the punishment. They need a shock and that will give them one. Then while they are in shock tell them in a very loud voice to clean their rooms and the eldest to also clean her bathroom and to start now! If they whine and carry on then make threats and tell them that this punishment will definitely be carried out in your loud manly voice. Go from there and good luck.
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