My Mother Breaks My Heart Constantly

Beyond if it's conscious of not of her attitude, she always ends up breaking my heart.

I suffered a lot because of her, so the result was a mental illness for me (social anxiety disorder and almost depression), lack of serotonine and a medication for life. Also, I'm 40, last year I finished psychological therapy succesfully, and I had some job interviews with no results. Unemployed and broke, depending on my mother's mood, with really old clothes, gained weight and my mother's narcissism... you can imagine how it is to live with her.

My father is another story that affects directly my mother's psychological toxic adaptation to survive her marriage (cheating husband, as 99% in the planet), but she only accepted it when finally she saw proofs of it at her age of 72 and as a result had an stroke (who helped her during recovering? Me, no my older sisters).

So the story is no new.

And I plenty understand my situation, my constant fight with the toxic shadow in my head that takes me eventually to my own dead (if I don't pay attention and take care of it as it is), and my circumstances. But still, she can break my heart with certain comments.

I was planning a new career, and I hoped she could support me, but of course she won't, and I knew she wouldn't but still commented her about my plans with this new career. So she jumps in quickly with "but you don't have money, how are you gonna pay it?", like, seriously, I KNOW I don't have the money, not right now at least. But I'm optimistic. But she is so... she is like she CRUSHES me, like she always did since I remember. So, it breaks my heart, my chest hurts for real, and I just want to cry... I have no place to go, just a bedroom "to hide" and I'm 40, and we all know how hard it is to get a job that doesn't hurt your body (cleaning lady, or hotel made).

Anyways... I was having a panic attack so to calm down and process it I took clonazepam 0,25 mg and came here to write. And BEG TO GOD to hear me and save me from desolation (you know, spiritually speaking).

I wish I have someone to love me.

For now, I only know God loves me. And thank God for that. Which sounds funny actually.

I wish I was stronger and go out to the street and kick some (_|_)s to get a proper job... I'm so not-from-the-streets ;----;

*sighs*

Thank you strangers.

PS. I was living in Chile (not my country), I married when I was 22 y.o. with a guy from there. He asked divorced at my 26, came back to Argentina; 1 year later was sexually abused by a brother-in-law (now ex-husband of my middle sister) and the next year the other brother-in-law that it is still married to my older sister. When I could finally could talk about it, my parents (specially my mother) was a coward and asked me not to tell her who did it. In 2019 I told my sisters and they attacked me verbally and one almost physically. They said the most hurtful things you can say to a sister. My pet from all my life dead in the meantime. I was bullied at work, so I started to develop panic attacks before my shift. I was mistreated by a lesbian profesor in a career I started in 2018 and she was my older sister's friend. I finally collapsed in November 2018 and started therapy and medication. Interrupted it because of lack of money. I came back when my mother finally support me and pay for the sessions and meds, not without complaining about it. I struggle during those 3 years and a half... I got to a level where therapy is not needed and I had to learn to live forever with "my condition", and accept that was part of one of dozens of process I had to do. And now, here I am. ALIVE........and my mother just tells me "you don't have money, how are you gonna pay it??"

You got the point.

My world collapses still, when things like that happen. Thanks to therapy I can recover from it within the day, hours or even minutes.

The feeling after the crying is to stay still like a fetus in you bed covered by the blanket and turn off the internet on the phone.

Will my heart ever be happy?

Nobody knows.