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Standing at the side of my desk, scrolling through the mind numbing displays of personality on the internet. Looking at the endless videos of people who are alone in their homes filming himself singing, dancing ,being haunted and smoking weed. I grab my bottle of water and suddenly…
I'm in front of someone and I'm desperately trying to convince them “ Let me in, c’mon man, I'm here” I looked over the shoulder of a larger oval shaped, what I'm assuming was a man. His head shaped oddly like a pangolin which I took notice of immediately. His body is broad with a sort of armor that constantly smoky wisps circle. He has huge wings, massive and they're closed. I have a quick thought of not wanting to see them open. Then a feeling runs over me, like i’ve seen them open and it hasn't been good.
“ aha you’re not going in, stop. You're going back, you have to go back.” the giant wispy pangolin says to me as he marks something on a yellow clipboard, but it’s not yellow. I dont think ive seen that color before. Behind him is a large, not orange wall and I can see through it, kind of. It’s a wall but I can see through it and what I see looks like a dream.
An English garden with the bluest skies. With two giant pine trees in the background. Sitting in front of the trees, on the brightest grass ive ever seen, sits a long table. At the end is my brother. He sits in his dark blue robe and slippers in the king's chair, beside his dog Kona. I watch two children run behind him and into the trees. A boy and a girl. They laugh, wearing clothing from way before my time. A white dress with a pink ribbon tied around matches her pink socks in white shoes with a strap across the top. Her hair is bleached in ringlets held up by matching pink ribbon. Chasing her, a little boy in a white shirt and brown slack held up by suspenders on his tiny shoulders. His socks pulled to the knees with dress shoes. He wears a brown hat that looks as if an old man were to wear it these days.
My glance goes back to Adam and he smiles, puts his hand up acknowledging me through the not walls but staying in his seat. He knows I am not supposed to be there. He's wearing sunglasses now. He looks relaxed and happy. Kona sits proud beside him with his tongue hanging out.
I want nothing more than to push through the pangolin and run down the walls that are laid out in a zigzag pattern. It is questionably resembling a service Ontario building where the public is to line up before entering an area where there sits a number of women with long nails and smacking gum calling “next” looking over their auburn glasses or fixing their bubblegum pink lip sheen.
My attention is back to the pangolin man who seems simultaneously amused and annoyed. He knows me. Without looking up from his not-yellow clipboard he repeatedly tells me I'm not going in and I'm going back and that I'm not finished yet. “ FInished what?!”
“ Let me in, man please. I don't want to go back” I glance through him and back at the garden where people i've never seen before are all smiling, some dancing. It looked like a mad hatters tea party. Techy all knew each other and talked with smiles. Butterflies flew in the open air around them while birds chirped in the branches of the pine trees.
“Sorry,not your time yet” He brings back my attention
“ I'm not going, you can't put me back down there, I'm here now.” I realize I'm not a body.
I don't know what I am. My surroundings and what I'm arguing for suddenly becomes a forefront of my .. of my… of my whatever i am.
It looks like space. I think to myself and realize I'm on a light grey platform floating through what seems like infinity. But I wasn't scared of heights like I am when I climb up to many flights of stairs. The expansion of the space around me feels as though itis eternal. Yet somehow it feels familiar. I know where I am. I know this pangolin man. As I'm pleading my case i feel pulling behind me.
“ I don't want to go back. Don’t make me go back "I slide backwards.
Just as the giant Pangolin man says “ You’re not finished yet”,I'm being pulled off this platform. The not orange walls become solid again. A dread falls over me. Whatever I am. And straight down, but I don't feel the drop. It goes black.
“ Caroline! Caroline!” I can hear someone. That yellow color is ll i can see and then slowly two black circles, then become two black circles then form into people ive never seen before.
I feel like I’m waking up from the deepest sleep.
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