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9 years ago, just after entering high school, I attempted to take my own life via a painkiller overdose. Apparently, it did not work. Shortly after I bought more painkillers to try again, two old friends of mine asked what was wrong, and I let myself open up to them. They did not hesitate to show me kindness; they listened when I needed someone who was not me to hear and gave me kind and loving words, and a hug to show they truly cared. To thank them, I promised I would never attempt to take my life again.
For nine cursed years, I have kept that promise. Granted, there were moments of bliss, of satisfaction. But they were never enough to savor. Like being allowed to smell that sweetness of a dessert, but knowing damn well you never get a taste. But this year... This year has been something else.
I'm in my last semester of college. The first thing that happened was that I lost my part-time job, which I liked. Every attempt at getting a new part-time job since then has failed. I was selected as a finalist for an award and lost. The graduate school program I applied to declined my application. The woman I love has hardly looked my way at all yet has no problem going to an event that some other guy invites her to (she currently is not dating anyone). As a rotten cherry on top of this melting ice cream sunday, I have to move back in with my parents as soon as I graduate. I love my parents because they are my parents, but I want as little to do with them as possible. Yet, here I am, out of options, trying to keep my promise not to kill myself while also getting ready to move in with people who make me feel like death would be the better option.
I want to believe that something better lies at the end of this wave of misery for me, that God has something better in mind. But I excel at pattern recognition, and based on the pattern that has consistently followed me these last four months, I do not want to live, I do not want to love, I do not want to hope. I am done being disappointed and heartbroken.
I want to kill myself. I have the means to do it. But because I still have a shred of honor that keeps me from breaking my promise, I can't. So, here's hoping something to someone else does it for me.
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God loves you. You are very strong and you will get through these hard times. I’ll keep you in my prayers 💗💗
ReplyDon't give in to this feeling of killing yourself. Appreciate all that you are and have.
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