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I'm just tired. I'm currently in my 5th year of PhD and I'm seriously tired.
There are not much things to do, but I find it hard to sit down and do it. I have this idea in my mind that even if I finish my works this time, just like many times before, it's gonnabe useless and pointless.
I was a passionate PhD student. I love doing research and hustle.
The first three years of my PhD, I struggled a lot. I have this one issue regarding my project and couldn't solve it. So I went to my PI and asked for his help. He made it like it's MY PROBLEM. I still remember in a meeting, he said to other PIs, "I can solve this in three weeks. But for this student, I think he needs a few months".
Bullshit. After that meeting, I put my trust on my PI. We had meetings many many many times a week. We even had online meeting at night till late night. Even weekend. He kept on suggesting things to do and asked me to do it quickly. He kept on saying "if you work faster, you can solve this faster and graduate faster". I was desperate, I thought I didn't have a choice, so I followed his instructions, closely.
Again. Bullshit.
Every single thing he suggested and I did didn't work out. There are many things he pointed out as the "mistakes" but every time I fix it, it still didn't work. I was so tired and sleepy and kept on pushing it. There was one time when he suggested one solution and he has suggested before. When I said we have tried this, he insisted for me try again. After about two years, I realized that he kept on going in circles, suggesting the same thing again and again. And at that point, I realized that he is actually not knowledgeable in this field. He kept on suggesting the same thing cuz that's the only thing he knows. And he love dragging meeting and discuss silly unimportant things to tire me up and end the meeting and kick me out of his office. In my third year, I decided to get in touch with other professors from overseas and consulted them. They said that my project won't work because the design of the experiments in wrong fundamentally.
Fundamental errors? Like, you're saying that my PI didn't know fundamentals and yapping things to sound good and not solving the real problem.
This is the best freakin' part. In my 3rd year, he suddenly said that the method I'm currently doing, might not able to solve the research problem, and proceed to suggest another method. Like, what the heck?! In my 3rd year? What we were doing for the past 2 years then? Just a hobby? Killing time?! I was mad.
The best part is, it's the same sh*t, another day. He has no idea how things work, I kept on facing errors here and there and he couldn't solve it. Every single time I saw him for a meeting, he googled things and suggest random things. I was so furious, so tired, and feeling lost. I went for a short internship in Japan for 3 months.
I was speechless. I even decided to quit back then. I wasted 3 years. But I was thinking that, before I quit, I want to try to use my own idea and my head. Let's just see if it works.
I soon realized how red flag my PI is. He has no postgraduate student graduating at all. He got one master student, who haven't finished studying till now and it has been like 4 years. He got me. And the rest of his student are MIA. Dodgy af. He never secure any grant as well. See? Incompetence. Maybe he has depression as well, Idk, but if he does, get help tho. Don't ruin other people's life too, you idiot.
After I came back from Japan, I finished writing my thesis. But this dude and another PI, caused another disaster, which they gave me back thesis corrections late. So late than I missed the deadline to submit my thesis and now I had to register and pay for another term. Urgh.
Not only that, at the beginning of the new term, another PI said that I had to scrapped of 50% of the results and suggested a new sets of analysis. The one I hardly doing right now. Urgh. Another one.
I don't understand why this PhD journey is so tough. Like, it's not the project, it's the people. I feel like I have super heavy baggage I'm shouldering right now. Sitting and doing my work is just tough. Every single time I want to touch my work, the other part of me keep saying, "you're gonna redo everything again. tomorrow, these stuffs will be scraped off any way. you're not gonna submit this thesis this year too, just like the past 3 years. Stop dreaming."
Dang.
Thank you for reading this. Please pray for me and my success. I wish the same for you too. Thank you.
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