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Staring out at the ocean's sky. The light spray of sea water and the shine of the dark and light blue waves in the distance. The Blood orange and soft pink hues of the sun reflecting off of the water. This was where we met. Where we held each other close and had our last kiss. I don't know why I keep coming back here. When all it does is bring back the pain from the past. I shake my head and look out into the calm water, only wishing that if I could go back to the start, that I could fix what was broken… then maybe everything would be ok. Maybe then we wouldn't both hurt each other. Maybe I'm the only one who feels the pain. But all I know is that I don't want to anymore, but there isn't any possible way to go back and reverse what has become of us. The waves become more violent, and I see me and him. In the water. Somehow not getting wet by the waves but by the rain pouring down. The waves grow and all I can see are the two of us fighting, makeup running down my face, tears streaming down his. I reach out and touch the waves, reaching out to me and him. Stuck in the water. Stuck in my head, my memories. I stand on the calm beach watching the violent waves on the other side. A tear drops from my eye and softly falls to water on the shore. I blink and I'm in my memory. Rough salt water pelts the side of my face. The wind blows violently around my hair. I look up at the sky. No longer the soft warm colors they once were five seconds ago.
¨You told me this wouldn't happen! You said you would never love anyone else and would never sacrifice your life in that way with anyone but me!¨
I turn around and find myself staring at me. Another version of myself. A very distressed version. I looked over at who she, I, was yelling at. And it was him. It's always him. Despite my hate towards this situation, I step closer, listening to what these doppelgangers are saying.
¨You have to understand that it's not only just going to be you! Sometimes other people are going to need other people.¨ He says, throwing his hands in the air.
¨Ok, But what about me? My dad just died and now I have no one!¨
A wave of déjá vu washes over me. I've said these words before.
¨You have me!¨
I watch as the girl shakes her head. ¨I have no one. Not even you. I would, but you weren't willing to stay. You'd rather be with her.¨ She looks over at where I'm standing. I take a step forward and watch her, but she's not looking at me. She hasn't noticed that I'm standing right in front of her. I follow her eyes and look behind me and find myself looking at the girl he can't quite get over still.
¨I don't care about her.¨ He whispers, grabbing her wrist and pulling her to face her.
I touch my wrist with my left hand and twist it in my hand. Remembering the redness that he left when he let go. I take another step towards them and everything turns to a blur. The beach, I can't see the individual little grains. They are now floating slowly in the air, smeared into the air around me like a painting. I am the only thing not moving in slow motion.
I slowly walked around then, noticing how short his hair is, and how my clone was still wearing that dumb bracelet that he got me. I don't know why I was brought back to this moment, I could see my anger reflecting off of her and could feel the same pain of him leaving me behind. All I knew is that I wanted to get out of this memory, but for some reason that I can't pinpoint, I walked closer to him and gently fixed his hair out of his eyes. Oh his eyes. My anger slowly disappears as it replaces it with something almost melancholy. I still loved him and I could see it in his beautiful green eyes that he still loved me. And I couldn't even see that when I was too caught up with that little moment, I didn't pay attention to what he was trying to tell me with eyes, and if I had, would I still have him? I'd been so stupid, and for the first time I was grateful for this unreal flashback. I finally know what I was missing, I finally know that if I wasn't so self absorbed then maybe everything would be okay. This was a lesson that I was not prepared to learn today but I did and instead of that making me angry, I was so, so happy. I understand more than I would have and it's like something has now rested from its persistent pull. I could maybe finally let him go.
And with that thought there was a big rush of wind blowing my hair around my face furiously, but I stood there calm as the sand dropped back to the ground and the gray sky and clouds and the dark angry waves retreated into a now calm sea. I watched as they disappeared and looked over as my two reminders faded and spread into the sand, gone from my sight but not from my memory. I would let him go, and I would be okay.
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