to self, my baby, my sister, whoever

dear whoever,

when i was younger i thought i’d be invincible. i never thought about being the prettiest or the strongest, but i thought i’d be one of the smartest. i knew i wasn’t an einstein, i knew i wouldn’t be THE smartest, but i wanted to be one of them. except, the older i got, the more i realized i wouldn’t fit into that category. i wouldn’t fit into any actually. i would be so average that i’d be afraid. afraid because the more i grew, the more i felt so away from that little girl inside, so distant. gone is the young and fiery glint in my eyes, now i’ve got a more mature one, one that flickers even when still. one that isn’t completely full, but is compelling because it is empty.

i feel so alone at times, alive but out of sight from my body. i feel that sometimes someone is holding my heart and slowly pulsing it out of rhythm. i feel heavy, like my chest is to my knees dragging and dragging and dragging. dragging so much so that the flesh tears and bloodies the ground, each step being more intense than the rest. i feel barren. with no child of mine in my heart. i wish all that were mine would stay mine, but i let them rip it from her tiny hands. the hands i’d like to hold.

i want the love i feel for her to be felt by everyone, but i get so angry and bitter sometimes. i can never help it and it scares me so much because reaching for help is like reaching for an arrow aimed to kill me. my words get lost in translation, sounding like irate bullets ricocheting off a tree and into water. they follow a path of their own, one that strips them bare and leaves them cold. they’ll never reach the recipient.

they’ll never say “i’m trying” or “i’m doing my best” because they grow tired. instead goes “leave me” and constant screams because they’ve been blinded instead of hugged. they were hurt all this time and no one but me understood. and it’s all my fault because i sent them on that path. i sent her on that path alone, to die in that barren, cold water.

i want whoever reads this to know that i’m trying my best. and i’m sorry if those words never reached you because i love you and i wish you knew i’d give you the world before i gave you attitude or even the meanest look. i wish you knew i’d be torn apart by shots taken towards you before they even reached you because i love you. i wish you knew that i’d raise you all over again because i love you. i wish you knew i wouldn’t say harsh things towards you or ignore you, because i love you.

so to whoever reads this, if it ever gets out in the first place, please know that somewhere in my heart, you had a place. and it was beautiful.