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i am havign a really hard time and have been for a while. i want to talk about it, but at the same time, i know that it will affect how people see me and treat me -- i dont want to be treated differently for being in pain and not knowing how to deal with it . I want someone to listen to me without me being judged and feeeling like i might not be worthy of frinedship. I
I ve had a rough past couple months and no one knows, not even my family.i wake up and cry a lot and go to sleep in tears too. Its affecting the rest of my life. The cause of my stress is multifacetted and i struggle to even say the words. i was raised to hold in the tears and not talk about the uncomfrotable things. i onmly cry when i am alone and no one can see me.
then recently, the one thing in my lfe that i thought was going well..my career was damaged. i have lost all confident and feel incompetent like a failure. i am scared that i am bringing negativity to wherever i am and that makes me afraid that i will be a burden. i wish that i could bring positive energy wherever i go and all the time but i am only human. the issue has been that fleck of dust that has tipped the scales. now all i want to do is be sucked up into the earth. actually no. i want to die. as long as its not terrible like a car crash.
i considered many options. i dont want to harm others so jumping front of trains or off buildings isnt something i am considering. it just feels so hard. instead of working hard on my career i spent all day researching the most practical, cost effective and non violent way to disappear. its the only thought that makes me calm and gives me the ability to relax and sleep at night otherwise my chest feels tight and i feel like i am about to explode. i want to feel but too much feeling makes me want to feel numb. the only reason i havent done anything is because i dont want ot harm the people around me.
i dont want people tp say sorry or feel bad for me or make it seem like i need help, even if thats the case. i just want to have someone who i can talk to, a shoulder that i can cry on for hours without saying a word. i just want to stop feeling so alone, like an alien and foreigner in my own life and in this world.
i want this all to stop. i knwo what i should do logically, what peopel will say but that advice wont work for me. i've been here before and so i knwo how to stay here until the pain becomes more bearable. but it would be nice to knwo that maybe, me staynig here, and trying will inspire someone else to stay here and try. thats the only thing that can help me right now. that can make these tears worht it. that make every breath i take, though pain ful worth it.
i wish that everyone will feel better and be in a good place - not dead, but living and happy. please wish me well too x.
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Hello! I know this might sound a bit cliche or even unrealistic for it is coming from a stranger — me — but, I hope that you will believe it when I say that the world is truly a wonderful place with you in it. Sure, you might not believe it for now, and even with the circumstances you are in right now and with what you are feeling and currently facing and the world seems to have turned its back on you, but even if you don't feel and see it right now, I hope that you will realize it slowly. You may not hear it that often, probably people always hope to see and hear from you about how you really feel, but maybe they are just to afraid of reaching out, or they just don't see the other side of you that is hurting and needs a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps, you are not really alone, but I think that us humans when we are sad, we tend to think no one really cares about us, that we tend to forget that maybe they are just there, they just don't make that much of an impact with their presence that we don't tend to notice them and they don't tend to see the truth of what we feel. I hope you feel better, and also, this is a safe space to be vulnerable. I do believe that even if no one commented on this post, people would want to send their well wishes for you and can empathize with you... some are just not too vocal enough to say it, and even I too. I hope you will be fine and get through this :)
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