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I am writing this with tears in my eyes, sadness on my face and hopelessness is my heart. My friends this is going to be a long story. I don't know from where to start.I even don't know what title I am going to put to my story. I am in a 1.5 year long relationship with my boyfriend and things are not going well at all. It's been 6 months that I cry every 2nd day. I have tried to get through him by all means possible but its just not happening. As you can guess I am the one who was head over heels in love with him first, I initiated it. So guys you know when you are the emotional one in a relationship and your partner knows about it, so whenever there will be a fight your partner is always going to bring up the fact that he didn't even want a girlfriend, you just barged in his life and my friend, you cannot say anything, absolutely anything because he is right. He did not pursue you, You were the one falling madly in love with him so you have no choice but to listen to it.
Back story:
I saw a boy in my class and totally fell in love with him. Initiated conversation and we really hit it off. It felt like we knew each other for so long, there were some differences but still majorly we connected. Within a week of talking stage he told me that he does not see any future ahead of us, so I should stop because as time will increase it will hurt. But you know a girl in love, right? Nothing matters we just want to take a chance even if its 0.001%. So, I did. I asked him lets be in present and we will think of it afterwards. I am not here to shame my boyfriend, he was right and very clear from very start. Cut to 6 months later, he accepted me as his girlfriend in front of everybody. We were in college, final year, already placed, we were happy. We used to spent maximum time together. But again my insecurities came into play. I was always scared that he will leave me after college which will after 3 months. As you know I was the one more crazy in love I was scared of losing him as I got him after putting so so so so much efforts. We got placed in different cities and that was 2000 km far. Cut to 6 months later, after being in 3 months long distance relationship I finally started letting go of me fear to lose him. He was my everything, my boyfriend, my best friend, my support system, my mentor like really everything. We met after 3 month being in LDR, and it was good. We had 3 hours with us, and we enjoyed each other company. But that day is the darkest day of my relationship. I went home and from very next day, things changes. He stopped talking to me. Our daily morning video call stopped, our daily night call before going to sleep stopped, his texts stopped. I was going crazy not sure what to do. I fought a lot with him but he was going through some shit of his own. So I tried to understand him my very best. Gave him space, even though I was going through hell, missing me, facing problems in my own life but I trusted him that he will come back to me. Cut to 2 months later, he started getting lit bit normal. Started texting me in the day, still no calls but still I was happy with the progress. But 2-3 days later again back to his own self. Again after a week or two, he texted me nicely. That was new year's eve and we talked for like 3 hours on video call and he was such a sweetheart. He even accepted that yes he was out of him mental space and did not give me time. But I was just happy that I got him again I was ready to let go of those 3 months. Ready to forget them like it never really existed. Again after 2 days, we had a fight. I agree that it was my mistake. Not that big but okay he was angry so I apologized and P.S. its not like I cheated or something, it was just some thing. I waited him to cool down for 2 days but he didn't reach out to me. I started worrying as you know thinking of the worst that he is thinking to break up with him. So I made him a hand made sorry card and sent a picture of it to him. He replied okay. So For reference he is not too much of a wordy person. In those 3 months I literally wrote him that big big paras explaining everything to which I never got a response. Anyways I then wrote him a hand made letter and sent a picture. Again no response. After a day or two of continousely asking for forgiveness he got normal again. And then after few days we were just talking and I accidentally triggered him. I talked about marriage to which I thought that now he is okay with it as he also used to say sometimes about our future. But that day it all went wrong. For 4 days we didnt talk. I cried and cried and cried, just waiting for his notification. So I finally decided to text him. Told him that I dont feel I am a part of his life anymore and it feels like he can go on without me for weeks. As for past few months we were getting on a phone call thrice a month that too for maybe collective 2-3 hours. No videocalls and many days without a single text and some with 3-4 texts. To which he replied that he can not do anything if I feel this way. And we kind of went into an argument. Not argument it was more of me asking questions and him answering it with honesty. So, one thing about him. He does not lie but also wont tell you. You have to be specific with your question and then if have strength then listen the truth. So you must have realized I never used to ask him these direct questions because I was not ready to hear the break up word. That day he said a lot. He asked me to end it as he is pretty sure that we don't hold a future together and I will only get hurt. He said a lot that day. To which my response was to beg him obviously that please don't end this and he did not. I gave him space and planned to fly 2000 kms to and fro in a day at next weekend to surprise him and talk about it. In a week he slowly got normal with me again and then boom he saw me at our friend's party. His first look, not surprised or happy that I am there. His first question to me in private was that why did I came when he asked me not to. But after 5 mins silence and came near me sat beside me and tried to make me smile. That its okay now u have come lets go out. We spent all day together, it was nice. I did one mistake that day. I checked his phone when he left it open with me in his car to get something from my shop. He trusted me but still I did. I opened his whatsapp and searched one particular to which I was getting doubts and I totally misread something. He came back in saw me upset asked me what happened I did not tell him anything. I was silent for the rest of the time in the car till we reached the resort. I though let it go I wont bring it up. If he is doing it let him do. But he didnt let it go to which I am glad. I told him everything and he did not get angry or anything infact he went to his car, brought his phone in and showed me everything. I was terribly wrong, he was not cheating on me. At that moment I was so embarrassed yet so relieved. What could I have done? We are not in good shape for last few months and very little communication even though I was trying super hard to understand and support him. I said sorry to which he gave the most sweetest reply of lifetime. He said its okay. It is my right to get suspicious and it is his duty to resolve it. I was so happy. We spent the day together nicely but in the end we got into a huge fight. I wont say it was all his mistake. It was equal contribution. Before taking off one the runaway I texted him that big paras and all till my network went off. I landed and saw he seen zoned everything. Again for a week he didnt talk to me nicely. Someday he remembers me talks all nicely and then again not interested in my anymore. Cut to 2 months of this cycle we all friends planned a trip. We met there. He was not interested to come but just for me he came. He said for once and all I am proving to you that I love you that's why I am coming. In 3 days trip, we got into fight few time even though I did not want to but it happened. At some points i did realize that I am not able to talk to him about my feelings, i was not able to be real and jolly with him the way I used to be because there was so much unsaid and unresolved between us. every time after that cycle or fight we didn't talk about it. If I used to try it means he will shut down for 1 more week. But i tried my best to let him know that I am lonely and I need him. I was crying inside wanting him to listen to me just for once and actually solve it. Cut to 20 more days, it was our anniversary. I told him beforehand that this day is special to me. For my sake he did texted me "Happy Anniversary" to me in the morning. Thats all. Only 2 words for our first anniversary. I did not fight I said to me in casual way that hey today I am not going to accept 2 words give me more atleast some words or lines. He refused and we did not talk for whole day. I was super angry and sad. He was trying to crack some jokes and turn around the heat but I was stuck on that part that today is special for me. To which he replied that you are interested in fun, I am not interested in anniversay. so bye. Whole day went and he night he texted whats up. I was so angry and sad but I did not say anything and let it slide. For past 10 months since we moved in different cities I am looking for job in his city which is near to my home too. Finally I got some interviews lined up. I cleared 2 rounds but due to budget constraint they dropped my candidature. I was so sad and he was not there to support me when I needed him the most. He said its okay and nothing more. I was remembering the time when he used to be my support system. At that time it was little difficult for me to adjust in a new city all alone. He asked me how is my day going and I said great with a smiling emoji. Next moment he texted me is it that bad? I literally cried that how can he understand me without me even saying anything and now all the words in this world are less to get through him. Anyways I gave more interviews and finally landed one offer in his city and in a good company. I am on my notice period currently and desperately waiting to move near him. But again from last few days he is not talking to me. Yesterday I uninstalled texting apps on which we talk hoping he will get worried and call me. After 24 hours, I uninstalled and not a single message. It made me realize that if I vanish someday it wont bother him. He knows she stays alone, have literally no friends still he did not bother. In the morning I myself texted him this one big para saying that this cycle is hurting me a lot. Talking for 2 days and not for 4. I literally begged him to sit and sort. He said I dont want to talk im good. What you are feeling i am not feeling, im normal. He said i want to be free. i will talk to you if i want to please dont force this. i am not interested in a relationship now. He even said go out there and have a life, enjoy yourself. He said i m not breaking up, not asking you to leave but i will talk only when i want to. please understand. I will do whatever i like to do. I have changed believe it or not. I am not the same person you met and fell in love anymore. I texted him, tried to talk but all messages seenzoned.
I am crying since morning. Thinking is this our end. For last 3 months he had this habit of saying to me that I did not ask for a girlfriend, I am very happy alone and if you can be okay by my way which is not talking daily then good otherwise you can go and find somebody else who will treat you better. Dont disturb my mental peace. One day when he again repeated I got sad and told him that this hurts always giving me an option to leave or continue. That day he told me that You are the nicest person I met. You aqre the best thing ever happened to me. Your happiness matters and if i cant keep you happy then you have right to be with somebody else. You are not like others who want money, successful boyfriend or something. You want warmth and if i can keep you happy then its okay i will. I am just worried that i will put efforts but they wont be enough for you and at some point you will regret choosing me.
And suddenly I don't even matter to him. I just love him so much. I cant imagine my life without him. I am hurting continuously. He is not ready to help me. I am not ready to let him go. I did everything for me like everything what could be possible, changed my ways for him just to make him happy. Always went an extra mile to help him whenever I can and he knows that. If he needs my help he just need to text me or ask me I will do it for him. Anything. Just to hear that get your own life, i don't feel same. I don't feel like talking to you.
I feel disrespected a lot recently, he is always finding flaws in me, never compliments, never say I Love you through words or actions. He even started to talk rudely to me.
What I feel is that he has lost spark of life. The year we met, he was an introvert didnt like to go out much or party stuff. But then in our college year I took him out daily. We used to go on dates daily and he said me once that with you I realized we can celebrate everyday.
I feel if I will be near him again, I can involve in games, adventures again. Maybe then he will love me again.
I see lot of problems today that he is not doing this and that. But I know the root cause of everything behind it. He is not doing because he does not want to. He is not talking to me because he does not want to. He do not facetime me because he does not want to see me. He does not call me because he does not want to hear my voice.
I don't know what to do. How to make him come back to me again. When that day will come when we will sit and ask him tell me everything lets sort out. I am hoping for that one day.
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