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I had two heartbreaks in the last 3 days. I could get away with them if I move places, because the problem with heartbreaks is that if you stay in the same place, you don't get a breather from it, and the sensation that you are still struggling with it remains deep within your heart. I think they always happen because of this weird pressure life gives me and how I caught it bad... it might be best to call it "I blew my composure" but this was not the start of a pretty universe like the Big Bang; I blew it in the bad sense, like a grenade blowing up a bucket. It's always someone else though... the way I'm feeling terrible sometimes these days is because of people and how we never come to terms; it's like the things we achieved along the way don't even matter. It feels like you can have something but never keep it, and that's my mind frame and my heart composure. The answer was always getting away from it by seeking distractions... anything but be stuck with it and try to solve the worries that struck your heart with your head and your thoughts, which we all know the on going choice between head or heart. To me, the best feeling in the world is finding reassurance in the little things. To me, whenever the job is done well and I'm thinking I'll never fall down again a day in my life, that's a pretty feeling... but finding reassurance in the small things does not guarantee that you will win every battle, nor every big battle. But I quit trying to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders, because one thing I notice with my triggers, is that you can't be in control of everything all the time, plus to me people these days seem overly proud and like we are so far away from each other. Famous people make it seem like nobody else, while if I had to represent humanity as a whole, I would fall down on my knees with anxiety and die, because I'm way too self serious about others and everything. How I wish it would matter all those times I seized the moment, yet there are still many encounters every day that make me open up wounds from the past. I wish to make all the people that died before us know that they could rest in peace and that we got it from here, but life sometimes feels like is headed to the pits of forgotten, and that hopefully when each one of us is going down, we could be on the right side of history, but it does not really make a difference, because we would all be dead by now. However, I don't believe the universe is really that black or white, because to me the universe is filled with fascinating, unimaginable events that could only be understood by experiencing them; like take for example what we call "day;" if there ever was life on another planet that could have life without what we also call a "sun," then they wouldn't know what day is like. The beautiful contrast between night and day, and how clear it looks during daylight. The universe must be plagued with those kinds of events that you wouldn't dream during your lifetime to know or fully comprehend. And so, same with life and death; dying is not the end, and so if we all died it's like a cycle, like the water drops when they fall from the rain... they don't die when they reach the bottom; they evaporate and form new clouds; why are we different? I feel like we are the same. However, I was talking about my recent encounters or experiences with heartbreaks, and made a salad of a post... but at least it makes sense, at least to me. I feel better now.
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