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I have always had many friends throughout my life. Ever since I was a little girl, each of my birthday parties had over 100+ attendees. I was always invited to places and almost every weekend was completely booked with plans. Yet throughout all of these friendships I still felt lonely... I asked myself; how can I have so many friends yet not a single best friend?
Each "best friend" I had seemed to only be in my life for a brief moment. They would either move away to a new state, find a new "best friend", we would have a fight, or my mom simply did not like them. I envy those that had the privilege to have grown up with their best friend. People who have found their twin flame, their platonic soul mate that they can always depend on. Being able to show old photos with each other and recreating them now. How do people even find someone that they are so compatible with on every level?
I consider myself a friendly and kind person. I get along with practically everyone. I never thought it would be this hard to find someone decent. I seem to have poor luck with the friends that I pick.
My most recent ex best friend was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and being a sociopath. She also had narcissistic and sadistic tendencies. I am completely serious. I ignored all of the red flags (ex:her not having any friends) because I was so desperate to find a "best friend." This ended up fucking me over in the long run. As soon as I couldn't handle her harassment anymore I ended the friendship and now I have a psychotic woman with a vendetta against me.
My second recent best friendship was very promising. We were a friend group of three!!! I loved spending time with both of them separately and together. I have never felt so safe and loved in a friendship. Both of them gave me confidence and inspired me to be the best version of myself. They are still to this day the only two people I have never been annoyed with or had any fights with. Quite possibly my favorite people on this planet. I thought surely this "best friend" would work out! I have two chances! the two friends ended up fucking then falling in love. Now they are dating and my two best friends have turned me into the third fucking wheel.
My third recent friendship is with my boyfriend. I thought that was going to be it. The final best friend . but no. Even though he is a perfect angel I feel that is he is also going to fall into my friend distribution system and also leave me. something deep in my bones does not trust him yet I am still with him because of my abandonment issues. Currently I am on the other side of the planet from him for the next 6 months and still dating him out of fear of being alone. God I need a therapist.
What the actual fuck.
I am abroad and have not genuinely enjoyed the friendship with a single person I have met. The only person I have met that is similar to me is a 60 year old woman?! Im 21?! Where are my people???
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ReplyPerhaps you push people away who are close to you. Or you pick the wrong types to be best friends with.
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