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The title already says it. It's not a joke or a way of seeking attention because I really do want to kill myself. The reason for this might come in very clichee but I believe that life is meaningless. I can't deal with all this anymore. In addition to that school stress and family stress are driving me nuts, it's insane. I'm not brave enough to speak up about it but not shy enough to keep shut. I try to tell the people around me, be it friends or family heck even strangers, in a jokingly manner (to keep their worry away from me) that life is boring and maybe I should kill myself but nobody understands me. Well obviouisly nobody will understand me if I don't let them understand me, right? Just a side thought. I'm running in circles and I'm exhausted.
Furthermore, my problems being very clichee as in "Well you hear about it here and there, social media, real life, etc" is what make me not want to take my problems serious. I am aware that I feel and am very unhappy by my situation but I don't know what to do about it.
Maybe it could be just my hormones acting up, because well I am a girl and girls typically have only about one week of normal life before that process of the menstrual cycle catches up with my mood or maybe it could just be the bad weather, the rain and dark clouds, because lately I've noticed that I feel more depressed once the sun fades away.
Maybe I'm even making this all up. Am I naturally dramatic and emotional? One time in school some dudes came by and talked to us about future jobs and stuff. They told us that some people are not born for some jobs, so maybe I wasn't born to live a normal life like this? Do I, deep down, crave attention? This might stem from how I was raised, right? Do I want my father, my mother or any kind of other figure to praise my performance and efforts? Am I that spoiled? I know that my father is mean and scary and that my mother is way too nice and an easy target. Also that new wife of my father is scary and childish. I feel like shaky decoration when we go on walks together in the city. They don't want me here because I am the way I am. But other way around: How can people not be the way I am? How can they be how they are? What are they thinking that I am not thinking?
Beyond family stuff - school; I don't feel accomplished when I get good grades, because did I prove myself to be worthy enough to keep participating in my courses or did I just show them that I am average? I can't be happy about a B- because all my friends have atleast an A - the standard for a grammar school and also students who thrive for their high school diploma. Also maybe the teachers were just being nice and my grade would actually have been a C+ or C. One time a friend of mine told me that I am in fact actually average and it destroyed me for some reasons, but I don't know why because it could have many reasons. All my classmates seem to be fine when it comes to answering questions while I need a minute or longer to process it in my stupid head. My concentration span is too short as well as my academic performances being too low and I don't want people to think that it's because I'm glued to my phone like those new ipad kids.
Sure it's true that I am quite literally glued to my phone and rot in my bed and do nothing about it and in the end whine about myself. But still I wished it weren't true. I wish I had joined many and a lot of extracurricular activities as a kid and didn't cave in myself. Sometimes I blame all this because I used to be very shy but then again I think about it: Did I not join any extracurricular activities because I was really shy or was I shy because I never joined any of those activites and thus not learning how to be social? I don't remember.
But all that doesn't matter. I've already given up on trying or believing. I made up my mind about killing myself already in ninth grade but I was never sure how to and where to start. What do I write as a last note? What will I leave behind? When after life or rebirth exists, will I lose all the really good stuff I actually have in life, so I'll be then doomed with a worse life than this? Friends, family, teachers, strangers, who see me everyday in their daily life. How would people think of me when I'm gone? In the end I'm just "one in a billion" and either they'd think about that fact or leave it like that because I really am just some person under billions.
I've started with cutting last fall to cope with the stress especially now that I'm a junior and these course tests here in Germany with their close distance to eachother are making me nervous. Now I can't stop. I keep thinking about it everyday, sometimes I do it sometimes I play the thought off and think that maybe I'm just tired and need to sleep. I can't believe I'm cutting myself. I used to hear about self harm in social media when I was a kid and thought "How could people do that to themselves? That's cruel! How can they not stop? If I did that I could stop so easily!", like that. Now I feel jealous and awkward when I'm changing clothes in the girls cabin for PE. My arm constantly itches, it burns under the shower, it's kind of crusty and it looks weird with all these scars. Yet I crave for that feeling. I feel sad and angry when my wounds and scars heal or fade away because what was all that then for? I feel comfort when they hurt and burn for some reason and I'm scared.
So suicide? Is that my only choice? Sure, I could speak up about my problems but I'd feel awkward about it. When I do speak up about it my voice is quiet and I do it in a quite jokingly manner so that people won't understand me and then I bawl and get mad when people don't understand me even though I won't even let them understand me, as already said. Then when they do understand me they either say the most unhelpful things or something like "Same. I also want to kill myself." I feel bad about it because I know that 1 in 5 people suffer from mental health issues. So what about me? It doesn't matter, like "come on!" it's 1 in 5 people! Right? What if I tell my parents? The people who raised me and are responsible for most of my well being and other stuff? One parent is going to be worried and feel bad about me, think bad about themselves because what if they think they did something wrong when raising me? The other parent is going to yell at me, say that suicide is a sin and that I shouldn't do that or else I'm landing in hell. It's obvious who is who (in my opinion).
But think about it: Heaven and hell. What's the difference between a suicidal person and a religious person? In a way and kind of realistically seen both have that need or wish for redemption. One wants to die because they feel like it's the right thing to do the other wants to do the same but justify it with the thought about heaven and hell and before all that be all good and nice to earn themselves their departing. So what is the difference between my redemption and their redemption?
I doubt that a God could help me or any other divine creature anyway. I don't want to think about that either. I'm agnostic anyway but if I weren't then it would just be some type of blashpemy. So then something mortal could help, right? Maybe? "Humans become humans under humans." or however that saying goes. "Humans are social creatures.". But once they all socially interact with eachother - chaos! And "oh man!" individualism at finest.
I wish suicide or death itself were normalised, even if it sounds radical and absurd. Just as there is a right so live there should be a right to die. Everybody dies anyway one day. Why is it so tragic when one dies earlier as expected? What about people who suffer from the effects of old age or people who were in a bad accident and survived but have a really low chance to live normally and stuff or people with really crazy disabilities who because of that can't live a normal or decent life anymore and are literally just a barely breathing vessel of a human? What about them and others? The world doesn't crumble down or explode if a human or any other being dies (REALISTICALLY). So people, who can't live any longer for whatever reason should be allowed to let go from life. It won't make one inhuman. I've heard about a thing called euthanasia but that's difficult to receive but I wish it weren't.
So well whatever. I've made up my mind and I plan on killing myself with pills, which I bought all alone in thee different pharmacies to not look suspicious, during the next school break. It should be tomorrow midnight maybe, but I don't feel ready, again. I feel too lazy and too scared to do it. Too lazy to write a goodbye note and too scared to well actually do it. I'm literally going to lose everything and also what I actually like in my life - I have good and many friends, grades I can deal with even if they're bad or unexpected, a nice brother and a good mother, a father and his new wife who aren't that good but are whatever if I just do what keeps them happy, good teachers, a house, enough money, food, clothes and everything that belongs to an average life. I've also realised that not only some but many people are like me and not perfect. They also don't care about stuff I also don't care about or do care about. Most of my classmates are not as smart as I thought they were and many of them cheat. Everyone is more than alright.
It's just that I feel so unhappy and empty and I'm not really sure why. I'm not sure if something's missing, if I really need that praise and ackowledgement from teachers and parents or even strangers.
I guess even with all this I just want to talk about my problems and feel like that everything I'm doing and thinking about is justified or atleast alright to think about. I'm a sixteen year old girl and everything I'm doing and thinking about could have it's biological reasons, which makes me mad. Deep down I don't actually want to die. I don't want to kill myself or harm myself. I want to feel alright. I don't need to be alright I just need to feel like it, you know?
I do my bed and clean my room every now and then to keep everything tidy, care about hygiene even when I'm not in the mood, care for other people and my cat even if I feel like pushing everybody away and isolate myself in my room for the next many atleast two months, eat and so on just to not fall deeper into the hole. Because recently I've realised that I really am just sixteen and still a kid, even when I'm called a teenager or an almost adult. I haven't seen and done everything, even when the thought that I did see and did everything I needed to see and do and that there's nothing more exciting to see or do lingers. I'm just a kid, so I hope, who still needs guidance in life and I wish that adults would do that more often and longer because well they're adults and they know more then kids do and kids, also teenagers, are still young and stupid and really haven't seen and done everything even when they act like they did.
Deep down, although I always deny it, I want attention, to be known and to leave a mark on this world so people remember my name or atleast my presence, to be praised and to be acknowledeged and to be physically touched like hugs or pats or so. I want that people annoy me with their nonsense, main thing is they talk to me and I can respond to them like a real conversation not that one sided interrogation type of conversation. I want to live and I refuse to die but there are so many unknown and uncertain things that push me to see suicide as my only way left.
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hey im a teen also and i struggle with self harm a lot so much that i have scars up and down my body and i will most definitely have to get a surgery when im older to fade them so PLEASE dont hurt yourself you are wayyy to beautiful for that!! I know i dont know you but you matter there is someone in your school that is fawning over you and think of all of the sights u wont be able to see when your older… you cant do anything when your dead and in a box ... so nust be considerate because ive tried to commit suicide over 9 times and ive been in the mental hospital over 20 and ypu DO NOT WANT THAT so learn coping methods and start planing for your future i know i will be a singer what will you be?? <3
Replyand also if your period stays for 7 days and comes back in 7 days you are probs sick (its supposed to be a month)
ReplyPray to God and ask Him to help you and to take the thought of suicide away from you.
ReplyHey I didn't sit here and read much of what you wrote. But wanted to let you know if you're a female then all you need to do is find a man that is good to you and have kids. This is what is fulfilling for a female. This is life. No a college education. Also. Eat Red meat. Your mental state is bad due to low vitamins and minerals. You need burger, pork, organs, grass fed beef, Raw milk from a farmers market, stay away from grains, seeds, pasta, bread, vegetables, oats, seed oils like avocado oils, all cooking oils, only use Lard pig fat to cook with, buy uncured bacon as well. Message me here and I'll help you more....go check out a YouTube channel Called Goatis....listen to everything he says
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